Worst Facial Hair

If you have seen me recently, you know that I have been growing out my facial hair- a mustache and goatee - for laughs. The main reason for this is because I left my razor in Pete's car and have been too lazy to get it, but it's also for curiousity of what I would look like with facial hair. Everyone knows that very few Asians can grow facial hair, and I have learned that I am no exception to that rule.

It has only been a week, but recent remarks from my sister have convinced me that my prized facial hair had to go. She told me it looked like I had pubic hair on my upper lip and chin, and it made me look like a creep. After closely examining it, she was right.

I was starting to get looks from coworkers, friends while out to lunch, and randoms on the elevator. There were uncomfortable moments where I knew they were looking at my mustache thinking, "is this guy serious with that?" which made me explain myself very often. Sorry to say, but I did not get to take any pictures with my mustache and goatee, but anyone that saw me can tell you how nasty it was.

This made me think of all the worst facial hairs of all time. Here's my top 10...

10. Bobby Jenks - He thought this outrageous goatee of his would make him look slimmer, but let's be serious... it just made him look like a gay fat man.


9. Scott Spiezio - As if "the flavor saver" was not enough, Spiezio thought it was a good idea to dye it red. He is a known alchoholic, so my only inclination is that he was hammered when he did this and thought it actualyl looked good. It didn't.

8. Hulk Hogan/Rod Beck - This was a tie because they both rocked the'handlebar" mustache to the extreme. The craftmanship on these beards were flawless. I think Hulk Hogan takes the cake though for having the 2 tone black and white handlebar... Beck just kept it classy. If I didn't know any better, I'd think these mustaches were a joke, but nope... these guys thought it made them cool. Again, it didn't.

7. Jake Plummer/Jason Giambi - Again, a tie for this spot because they both sport the "child molestor mustache" as I like to call it, because well, the name says it all... these mustaches unable these men to go within 100 ft of an elementary schools and make mother's tremble. Are they serious with these mustaches? It looks like you drank shit and left some on your upper lip... Can somebody say Amber Alert?

6. Bill Walton - Many hippies sport beards because they "just don't care." Bill Walton takes the cake for me because he really was a hippie, as he widely proclaims to being a Grateful Dead enthusiast back in the day. That doesn't give him an excuse for not showering or having any personal hygiene while in the NBA, no wonder why he was so good- cuz nobody wanted to guard him.

5. Ricky Williams - At first glance, I thought this was a picture of a bum. Then I saw the jersey and realized, wow that is Ricky Williams, former heisman trophy winner. Ricky's career took a dump after he was traded from the New Orleans Saints- literally since looks like he lived in a dumpster. He gained weight and was suspended multiple times from the league for smoking pot and apparently from these photos he became a bum. If I saw this guy I would give him my change...

4. Scot Pollard - King of freaks, he was an NBA journeyman that played all over the league. Sadly, he was better known for his crazy hair styles than his play. As if the mohawk wasn't enough, he added the freak goatee. Are those rubberbands?

3. Drew Gooden - As a Bulls fan, I had to ask myself "what the fuck is with Gooden's beard?" He had to have lost some kind of bet, because no person can actually look in the mirror and think "damn, I look good" with that thing. It looks like somebody played a joke on him when he fell asleep. Gooden was benched and traded for his facial hair, not for his play.

2. Adam Morrison - Seriously, if I didn't shave for another month or 2, this would have been what my facial hair would have looked like. Many people describe it as the "beaner stache." No offense to my latino friends of course. It is much like the child molestor mustache, but less filled in and thus ratty looking. It's usually sported by novice facial hair growers (like myself) and in this case, Morrison clearly can't grow a full beard so he settles for this. Wow.

1. Kyle Orton - Cmon, you had to have known this was coming after my last post. As if the beard wasn't bad enough, Orton invented the "neck beard." This is most often displayed by alchoholics and Kyle Orton, himself.