CO's sold?

From my always reliable Champaign source, aka Rudy, rumors are swirling that CO's was recently sold. Although I can not confirm this and there is no news about this on the internet, I believe it is true. Yes, it is true that some idiot bought that sespool in hopes they can turn it into a legit bar. This made me think, can this actually be done?

Yes, I do believe that CO's could become a legit bar if run properly instead of by a fat redneck hick who obsessed over UofI athletes and a creepy fat black man that will soon to be bankrupt. So what would the new owner have to do to make this place legit?

Sorry to say, but it's gonna take a little more than putting in worthless new floor and installing a "player's club" to make this place legit. Seriously, did they really think that was gonna save the place? No wonder they shut it down. Here's a couple things that were overlooked that inevitably lead to the demise of the greatest place on Earth...

Sure, let all the managers and the GM be students... that sounds like a brilliant business plan. You might as well let children run a candy store, cuz essentially that's what it was last year. Not a single person went to CO's and didn't get free drinks at one point or another during the year. Even people I didn't know were expecting free drinks.... 8 vodka water limes? That's $24.... you know who? Ok then $8... wait what? Fine $4... fuck it just take them. There were countless nights that I'd go out with $10 and come home with $14. Oh the manager has his entire house out tonight... free drinks for ALL of them?! Fine, but as long as they drop a dollar for tip. Again, sounds like a brilliant business plan. It's busy, just make your own drinks for you and your friends? Sounds good, now everybody in the bar is your best friend. CO's is the only place on earth that can be jam packed to the point where you can barely move, yet make negative money for the night. It's ok, we can make up for it in cover. Hey buddy, that's $5... oh you work here? And you want to get your friends in? Sure, just x off on the sheet. After the entire Acacia house files in, that's when you put the two x's by your name. Thanks man.

I know how to attract customers, let's have retarded raffles. Honestly, they never realized that whether they paid a bunch of money to raffle a scooter or an Ipod or whatever it was... no new customers would come. It would just be the same kids in the bar, but the only difference was that one of them was going home with an Ipod that night. Most likely, it was me or one of my friends. We must have been the luckiest people on Earth.

Or how about the leaking roof that dripped rain water into my ice bin throughout the night and inevitably into your drinks. Yep, how's those whiskey cokes and rain water taste? Trust me, customers did not appreciate standing in the bar and getting dripped on... not exactly my ideal night. Even worse, that puddle you're standing in... that's not rainwater. Yep, my friend just peed on you. Typical night.

Then there's bomb night... I remember when Wednesday night's at CO's were the shit my freshman year. I thought ICE Bombs were the greatest things on earth... man I was gay. However, I'm not sure how it happened but Wednesday's became ghettoer and ghettoer, soon resembling the scene from a Snoop Dogg rap video. You know what I mean... Champaign natives would plan weeks in advance to make it rain in CO's... cool man. Who thought was a good idea to allow black men to take off their shirts and drink bottles of J. Roget... seriously I want to know who's business plan this was. Brilliant. Here's a typical conversation I'd get on a bomb night...

Black chick: Yo let me get one of those blue dranks!

Me: Ok, that's gonna be $4.

Black chick: Damn boy, for 4 dollas you better put less ice in those cups for me.

Me: Um, just because I put less ice doesn't mean I'm gonna put more alcohol. You're just gonna have a warm ice bomb.

Black chick (thinking she is sly): Whatever, no ice! And split that drank into 2 cups! And don't forget my dolla change!

God, I miss those nights.

I got it, let's treat the athletes like kings. Doesn't matter that you guys only won 5 games last year... they're athletes! Everything on the house! Who are you? Oh, you ride the bench for the basketball team? Sure, drinks on me. Oh shiiiiiitt.... this is my jam! As a bartender, that was my cue to duck in cover. This usually happened multiple times througout the night, to the likes of Petey Pablo, Young Jeezy, or that song "I put on for my money." I'm still surprised that no one was ever shot. This is the business model for turning CO's bomb night, what used to be CO's most lucrative night, into the worst revenue generating nights as well as the #1 place for police patrol. Congrats.

The list of downfalls to that place go on and on, but these were the main pitfalls for the collapse of CO Daniels- a beloved place to all o fus that is surely missed. Good luck to the new owner!