Rejection Letters

For all those people out there that are still in the job market, aka funemployed, like me… I’m sure you are far too familiar with these dreadful rejection letters/emails. They usually go something like this…

Dear Jeffrey:

Thank you for your interest in joining [asshole company name]. After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that you have not been selected to interview for this position.

Your profile will remain in our system. We encourage you to continue to explore other positions that match your skills and interests. If you selected the option in your profile, you may receive emails from our system regarding other positions that match the preferences you indicated in your profile. We encourage you to visit our career site from time to time to update your profile, in “My Job Finder”, apply for other positions, and learn more about [enter shitty company name].


Thank you for your interest in [douschebags]. I wish you success in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
asshole

Please do not reply to this e-mail. Replies to this message are undeliverable.

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But after getting several of these, I have deciphered the real message they are trying to convey… it goes something like this:


Dear douschebag,

Thank you for applying to our company, but we think you are an unqualified loser and there is no way in hell we will be hiring you. We barely even looked at your credentials, but I can already tell you wouldn’t fit in with our company, so sorry buddy you won’t be getting an interview but my unqualified cousin will be instead.

I’m gonna throw your resume in the trash now, but just so you feel better you can think I put it on file for future positions. Don’t worry, you won’t be getting those either… loser. Go ahead and look at our company website though, and look at other positions that you won’t be getting either.

Thanks again for your interest…. I hope you rot in hell.

Sincerely,
Asshole

Please do not reply to this e-mail because I don’t care.


So next time you get another one of those rejection letters, you know exactly what they are really saying. Good luck on the search!