The show is gonna chronicle his life as a police officer for Jefferson Parrish County where apparently he has been an officer for almost 2 decades... what?! You're telling me Steven Seagal was a police officer on the side of doing blockbuster hits? Could you imagine getting pulled over by Steven Seagal? Or if you were robbing a bank and Steven Seagal busted in? I wouldn't even be mad I was going to jail, I'd ask him for an autograph while getting my ass beat. Then I'd tell all my friends I got my ass whooped by Steven Seagal.
Here are several reasons why Steven Seagal is a badass...
1. Every single one of his movies have the EXACT same plot, yet they are all equally awesome and have grossed over $2 billion worldwide. You know what I'm talking about... Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Under Siege (1 AND 2) and "blockbuster hit" Exit Wounds. Yes, exit wounds was the collaboration with rapper DMX. How did he not win an oscar for that performance? Speaking of collaborating with rappers, I can't forget about that movie that plays 7 times a day on TNT starring Ja Rule and Seagal in a doo rag.. Another instant classic. And what's with all the hilarious film titles... Kill Switch, Deadly Finds, Driven to Kill, On Deadly Grounds, Mercenary for Justice, Time to Kill, Hard to Kill... I mean cmon obviously this guy is all about killing.
2. He has his own energy drink, Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt." Who has their own energy drink, seriously? I've personally never tasted this, but I can only imagine what it will do to you. It had his face on it and proclaims to be an "Asian Experience Energy Drink." Sounds right up my ally. This in itself is hilarious beyond belief.
3. He runs like a bitch and at one speed... yet he ALWAYS catches the bad guys. If you've seen the movies mentioned above, you know what I'm talking about. That brisklike jog that Seagal runs with resembles a 10 year old girl in the special olympics, yet he never even breaks a sweat as the bad guys are always looking behind them in amazement like "what the fuck?!" Yea, I think the same thing. It's cuz he's Steven Seagal and I pray that he runs like this in real life and is displayed on Lawman.4. Dude had a ponytail. Seriously, who rocks the ponytail and gets away with it? Steven Seagal does.
5. He's also a rock star. Yes, another shocker... this guy just never ceases to amaze me. Believe it or not, he’s actually a good guitar player and has released two albums. If you disagree, then he’ll kick your ass. This is another storyline in his new series... so when he's not beating ass he's making girls wet with music. Check out his band... where did he find 3 brotha's to form a band with him? He resembles a fat Dave Mathews...
6. Speaking of girls, he's was married to a serous slampiece. Not just any slampiece though, but the chick from Weird Science, Kelly Lebrock! She was the center of every 15 year olds wet dreams at one point in time... and Seagal (with the ponytail) bagged her after they starred together in Hard to Kill. Obviously all that bad ass killing made him irresistible. The best part is that Seagal split from LeBrock before she became a fatty- a fact I found on another Seagal enthusiast website.
7. Also from the same Seagal enthusiast website (who would have known there are so many?), Steven Seagal designed his own knife. You may think that a knife is a knife. But Crocodile Dundee proved that otherwise. Seagal knows this, and that’s why he designed his own knife and teamed up with Kershaw Knivesto bring it to your doorstep. You know people fear you when you have a knife named after you. I'm ordering one as we speak.
8. His demeanor... the squinty eyes with a forced breathy tone when he speaks scares the shit out of bad guys in movies. That and the fact that he is a 7th degree black belt in Aikido martial arts, which means he can kill you before you even know what's going on. You would still be in shock that you're in Steven Seagal's presence by the time he makes you shit your pants with a pressure point.
9. He's a philanthropist on the side... so basically when he's not killing people he's saving pandas. This picture explains it all... is there anything this guy can't do?
To sum all of this up... here is Urban Dictionary's description of Steven Seagal. Clearly, somebody sees the awesomeness of Steven Seagal other than me.
Steven Seagal- A very powerful man, one so powerful he beats his three wives for fun. Has hair the likes one has never seen; it resembles matted down beaver hair that never moves, even when fighting on top of a train or running around in the Alaskan wilderness. Currently weighing in at a cool 400 pounds, he doesn't have to actually fight anymore, just wave his hands and all have broken necks or arms. He dresses to kill in all black, which does not hide his bulky ass. No acting skills are required; all that is needed is to have a dick in your throat and be able to mumble "Mission Accomplished". In order to kill like Seagal, you must be able to slide for 20 minutes without a running start and shoot your enemies at the same time, even on the flattest of surfaces. (No reloading is required, your ammo is endless).
Every movie is made with his character having the name "John", "Jack", or "Casey". In order to write a plot for a Seagal movie, all you must do is have him a) be a cop, b) a mercenary or c) an ex-serviceman. Then Seagal must either save a sub, a town, a nuclear warhead, the environment, or all of the above. He must do battle with Columbian druglords, terrorists, or environmental evildoers. Then Seagal ultimately saves the day, and ends the movie with a snazzy one-liner. While the credits are rolling, you could have him strumming one of his guitars, and singing a jaunty little number.
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