Tip Me Bitch

If you don't know already, on my day's off I help out at the family restaurant and take deliveries. Not exactly the ideal job, but it is the family business and I gotta help out when needed. After several months of doing this, I've discovered that delivery driver's are constantly shit on by people, myself included in the past, and for all of you people that have ever not tipped a driver, you are an asshole.

When I was in college, there were countless times that my friends and I would order DP Dough or any various places from my last post and get it delivered. When you're ordering for a big group, collecting money is always a bitch. Everyone will give you exact change, which leaves the person actually giving the money to the driver seem like a huge dick. Why should it be that person's responsibility to pay a few extra bucks for tip? You've all been in this position before. On a college budget, I would always say fuck that I'm not doing it. The emo Jimmy John's delivery driver would hand me the food and I'd give him the cash which usually included 40 cents extra and I'd shut the door as fast as possible. Even worse, sometimes I'd have to sign the credit card slip without adding a tip and basically start running up the stairs before the driver noticed. Oh trust me, they always do.

Now, it's a role reversal. Often times I get the credit card slip with no tip written in or I'll get exact change. I am very polite when I go to the door, I always bullshit the customer by complementing their hideous house or playing with their smelly dog. I'll pretend I'm a fan of whatever sports team they have on the TV or I'll play with their ugly little kid. I'm the king of bullshitting, which amazes me even more when I get stiffed. I want to say to the customer, "excuse me you cheap asshole, is this a fucking joke? You can't even spare an extra dollar to cover the gas it took me to get here because you're a lazy piece of shit and couldn't pick up the food yourself?" But since it's the family business, I don't. I just smile. However, behind that smile, I'm thinking I want to steal the bike from their garage on my way out or step on their flower bed. That would make them reconsider being cheap next time.

Some people will argue that the driver gets the delivery charge that is added to your bill, which is true, but that is really a charge for your laziness. You're the one that doesn't want to step into the bitter cold or drenching rain, it's not a tip.

So the next time you order out and get it delivered, think of me and cut the guy a break. Nothing makes me more happy when I get a $5 or $10 tip to show their appreciation for the trouble. Even a couple bucks makes a difference.