Trick or Treat

Halloween is tomorrow, which means kids will be trick-or-treating all day and night. I remember the good ol days when trick or treating was sweet... free candy? Doesn't get much better than that. I remember having the scouting report on the entire neighborhood before going out... I knew exactly which houses were giving out the good stuff like King Size Candy Bars and which houses were giving out the shitty stuff like toothbrushes. My house fell into this category of shitty stuff. We were notorious for being the house that gives out fortune cookies. Yes, not very surprising that an Asian family would give fortune cookies, very funny. Either that or my mom wouldn't even bother to answer the door. Other shitty things that I was pissed to find in my pillow case were toothebrushes, floss, off brand candy (cmon you cheap fuck, pay for the real stuff), or basically anything that couldn't be eaten. I'd rather get razor blades in my 3 musketeers than get this shit.

However, the good houses always made up for the bad ones. You know what I'm talking about... I remember my favorites as a child. There was the house that gave out KING size Hershey's bars every year, the house that gave out hot dogs- yes hot dogs- out on his drive way, the house that gave hot chocolate, and of course every cool kid's favorite, the houses that would just put out buckets of candy on the doorstep. Yep, I was that kid. I didn't care when those buckets were accompanied by "honesty is the best policy signs," all that candy was going into my sack. My friends and I would take turns holding each other's pillowcases while the others dumped all the candy in... jackpot! If you didn't do this, you were only cheating yourself so don't judge. Not my fault you were naive and stupid as a child.

After hours upon hours of trick-or-treating and hitting up all the best neighborhoods, my feet would be sore as hell. I always despised those fag kids that had their parents drive them from house to house while the kids would get candy. I'm pretty sure one year we beat one of those kids up and stole his candy... that's what you get for being a mama's boy. But once my sack was full, I'd empty it all out on my floor and count out and sort all the candy I had collected. I remember sorting all the good stuff into mounds and throwing away the bad stuff. So this made me think... what is classified as the best candy? Here's my choices...

3 Musketeers- Always underrated but these are delicious... I would trade my shitty candy to friends for their 3 musketeers... dumbasses
Milky Way Midnight- I'm a huge fan of dark chocolate, which makes the Midnight one of my favorites
Reese's Fast Break- Another one of my favorite candy bars of all time.. simply delicious
Kit Kat- Who doesn't remember the old kit kat tunes... break me off a piece of that kit-kat bar.
Snickers- Always a classic, and you gotta love the patrick chewing commercial.
Twix- Whoa, I almost forgot Twix... these are fuckin awesome. The caramel mixed with the crunchy cracker... unbelievable

WORST
Candy Corn- These are fuckin gross man... if you like these then we cannot be friends
Tootsie Rolls- Nasty... I used to make a separate pile of tootsie rolls and throw them in the garbage
Smarties- Not that these tasted bad, but I always saw Smarties as the cheap Halloween candy... not to mention I'd get so pissed when the wrapper unwrapped in my bag and the pieces spilled out
Butterfinger- Was never a big fan of the crunchy orange inside.
Starburst- I think starbursts are delicious, but they are on my worst list of Halloween candies because it was always a gamble to see what colors you'd get in your 2 pack. Everyone knows pink is that best and yellow sucked dick... so I hated that gamble and losing with a yellow and an orange or worse... 2 yellows!

Of course, this is just personal opinion. However, if you don't agree with me then I hope you find a razor blade in your candy.

Stop by the Wang household this Halloween, I will be leaving out a bucket of fortune cookies. I'd like to see a kid dump an entire bucket of fortune cookies into his sack...

FUPA's

Do you remember when you were younger and sitting in class, wondering why your teacher had a bulge in her pants just beneath her waistline? Yep, that was the first time I discovered the FUPA (pronounced foo-pah).... fat upper pussy area. I find FUPA's hilarious, yet obviously disgusting. Upon my research of FUPA's... I came across this hilarious blog dedicated to FUPA hunting. Great for laughs as there are FUPA's of all kinds.

However, FUPA's should not be mistaken for FUDA's... the male version. Fat Upper Dick Area. Also, FUPA's should not be mistaken for FUBU, the overpriced brand that black people made for black people, even though suburban white kids that think they're black now buy at TJ MAXX. Again, FUPA's should not be mistaken for the fat midriff region that usually accompanies them, which I like to refer as the "muffin top" depicted below. Other names for the FUPA may be fat upper pubic area or one of my favorites, the "front butt."

FUPA's and FUDA's are hilarious for many reasons. I particularly enjoy them because I find it funny that fat people with them don't even know they have them. I mean, really? You don't notice that bulging flab that prohibits you to see your dick everyday? Also, it's funny that FUPA's make people wear their pants at a hilariously high level, up towards their belly button which accentuates the bulge beneath the waistline. This has to be for pure comedic relief, there's no way they are trying to make a fashion statement. Furthermore, FUPA's tend to make the fat bearers to waddle. No need for explanation, waddling is just hilarious. When the waddling becomes too much of a strain, they usually resort to those motorized shopping carts at the grocery store.

Also, can you imagine a man with a FUDA and a woman with a FUPA trying to have sex? Not a pleasant image I know, but one has to wonder if that is even possible. I think the laws of gravity just would not allow that, not to mention there's no way their large pubic areas would not conflict. I attempted to draw a picture of this, but I threw up a little and had to stop. You get the point though, physically not possible.

FUPA's can most commonly found at your local Wal-Mart and of course, teachers and librarians are infamous for sporting them as well. I have seen countless teacher FUPA's swallow up desks. Some famous fupas include Rosie O'Donell and the most infamous FUDA's belong to Charlie Weiss, coach of Notre Dame and Bill Parcells, NFL legend. Can you think of any others?

Classes at the Gym

So like most guys, I've been under the impression that only chicks and fags take the classes at the gym. You know, the ones that are taught by an instructor. This was until yesterday. I found out that a friend of mine's mom teaches a class, so I thought I'd give it a try. Of course, we were the only 2 dudes in the room... but I may as well have been a girl. My performance definitely looked like it. I was warned that the class would be tough, but I figured how tough could it be? I consider myself semi fit... I may not go out and run a marathon but I'm also not a fat slob... but this class kicked my ass.

I had to stop multiple times to catch my breath, all while old women were doing the excercises like it was nothing! Honestly, there was one point in the cardio portion that I was literally panting and on the verge of passing out, when I caught a glimpse of an old woman shaking her head at me like I was pathetic! By the end, my entire shirt was drenched and I was dripping sweat. I almost puked, but I'm proud to say I did not. Milk is a bad idea before workouts, trust me. Also, I'm unbelievably sore today... nothing like ever before. I work out 3 or 4 times a week and never feel like this the day after.

Bottom line, these classes are no joke and not just for chicks. Classes are tuesdays and thursdays and I plan on goin back... so stay tuned.

CO's sold?

From my always reliable Champaign source, aka Rudy, rumors are swirling that CO's was recently sold. Although I can not confirm this and there is no news about this on the internet, I believe it is true. Yes, it is true that some idiot bought that sespool in hopes they can turn it into a legit bar. This made me think, can this actually be done?

Yes, I do believe that CO's could become a legit bar if run properly instead of by a fat redneck hick who obsessed over UofI athletes and a creepy fat black man that will soon to be bankrupt. So what would the new owner have to do to make this place legit?

Sorry to say, but it's gonna take a little more than putting in worthless new floor and installing a "player's club" to make this place legit. Seriously, did they really think that was gonna save the place? No wonder they shut it down. Here's a couple things that were overlooked that inevitably lead to the demise of the greatest place on Earth...

Sure, let all the managers and the GM be students... that sounds like a brilliant business plan. You might as well let children run a candy store, cuz essentially that's what it was last year. Not a single person went to CO's and didn't get free drinks at one point or another during the year. Even people I didn't know were expecting free drinks.... 8 vodka water limes? That's $24.... you know who? Ok then $8... wait what? Fine $4... fuck it just take them. There were countless nights that I'd go out with $10 and come home with $14. Oh the manager has his entire house out tonight... free drinks for ALL of them?! Fine, but as long as they drop a dollar for tip. Again, sounds like a brilliant business plan. It's busy, just make your own drinks for you and your friends? Sounds good, now everybody in the bar is your best friend. CO's is the only place on earth that can be jam packed to the point where you can barely move, yet make negative money for the night. It's ok, we can make up for it in cover. Hey buddy, that's $5... oh you work here? And you want to get your friends in? Sure, just x off on the sheet. After the entire Acacia house files in, that's when you put the two x's by your name. Thanks man.

I know how to attract customers, let's have retarded raffles. Honestly, they never realized that whether they paid a bunch of money to raffle a scooter or an Ipod or whatever it was... no new customers would come. It would just be the same kids in the bar, but the only difference was that one of them was going home with an Ipod that night. Most likely, it was me or one of my friends. We must have been the luckiest people on Earth.

Or how about the leaking roof that dripped rain water into my ice bin throughout the night and inevitably into your drinks. Yep, how's those whiskey cokes and rain water taste? Trust me, customers did not appreciate standing in the bar and getting dripped on... not exactly my ideal night. Even worse, that puddle you're standing in... that's not rainwater. Yep, my friend just peed on you. Typical night.

Then there's bomb night... I remember when Wednesday night's at CO's were the shit my freshman year. I thought ICE Bombs were the greatest things on earth... man I was gay. However, I'm not sure how it happened but Wednesday's became ghettoer and ghettoer, soon resembling the scene from a Snoop Dogg rap video. You know what I mean... Champaign natives would plan weeks in advance to make it rain in CO's... cool man. Who thought was a good idea to allow black men to take off their shirts and drink bottles of J. Roget... seriously I want to know who's business plan this was. Brilliant. Here's a typical conversation I'd get on a bomb night...

Black chick: Yo let me get one of those blue dranks!

Me: Ok, that's gonna be $4.

Black chick: Damn boy, for 4 dollas you better put less ice in those cups for me.

Me: Um, just because I put less ice doesn't mean I'm gonna put more alcohol. You're just gonna have a warm ice bomb.

Black chick (thinking she is sly): Whatever, no ice! And split that drank into 2 cups! And don't forget my dolla change!

God, I miss those nights.

I got it, let's treat the athletes like kings. Doesn't matter that you guys only won 5 games last year... they're athletes! Everything on the house! Who are you? Oh, you ride the bench for the basketball team? Sure, drinks on me. Oh shiiiiiitt.... this is my jam! As a bartender, that was my cue to duck in cover. This usually happened multiple times througout the night, to the likes of Petey Pablo, Young Jeezy, or that song "I put on for my money." I'm still surprised that no one was ever shot. This is the business model for turning CO's bomb night, what used to be CO's most lucrative night, into the worst revenue generating nights as well as the #1 place for police patrol. Congrats.

The list of downfalls to that place go on and on, but these were the main pitfalls for the collapse of CO Daniels- a beloved place to all o fus that is surely missed. Good luck to the new owner!

Friday Night Lights

I know I blog about TV a lot, but that's because I watch so much of it. I have a long list of TV shows that I have to watch every week... and this week is the start of another one of my favorites. Friday Night Lights premieres this Wednesday on Channel 101 of Direct TV at 8 pm central time. For as much as I hate Direct TV, this is one time that I am very happy to have it.

If you haven't seen this show yet, which judging from the Nielson ratings that almost got the show cancelled you have not, then it's seriously time to start. Friday Night Lights is honestly one of the best shows on TV not named Entourage or Weeds. It's classified as a family drama, which obviously is not one of my prototypical genres that I like to watch, but this show is nothing less than entertaining and defies what any "family genre" I have ever seen before. It has something for everybody- football, sex, partying, boozing, and relationship drama- you won't be dissapointed.

From a FNL enthusiast website: The concept for the Friday Nights Lights TV show comes from the book by H G Bissinger and the successful movie that followed, one of my favorite Sports movies to date. Anyone who has experienced playing varsity high school football first hand can relate to the events which take place over a season; over a year. It's not just the double-day practices during summer, weight lifting year round, practice after school, and games on Friday nights; the community, faulty, student body that make a football season what it is. Friday Night Lights TV goes deeper, introducing the relationships, families, and everyday lives when these players are not under the lights.

The show is entering it's 4th season, and I'm expecting great things. It was nearly cancelled during the writer's strike, but protest from fans brought the show back and now Direct TV has exclusive rights to air the new episodes and then they will be replayed on NBC in the spring. Gay, I know, but I recommend watching old and new episodes of FNL at sidereel.com.

A quick recap from season 1 and a look at the great cast of FNL... The fictional town of Dillon, Texas is the setting for FNL. Like most small towns in Texas, football is god-- the peoples focus centers on the young men of the local high school football team. The Dillon Panthers are coached by head-coach Eric Taylor. The team is full of talent and ranked number one in Texas. Jason Street is the starting quarterback equipped with a canon arm and good looks. Universities see him as one of the best prep players ever and is highly recruited going into the season. His girlfriend Lyla Garrity (Minka Kelly- Derek jeter's gf) is the beautiful head cheerleader with personality to match. Brian Williams, also known as "Smash", is the star running back overflowing with confidence and attitude. Tim Riggins gives Brian competition at running back. Unlike the flashy Smash, Tim is a hard-nose, "run them over" type of guy. Football and Texas are Tim's life. Whether drinking beer or in the huddle with the boys, Tim shows himself as a leader, and an intimidating person most respect. At backup quarterback is Matt Saracen. Matt comes across as a nice guy who receives little attention being in the shadow of Street. Landry Clarke is Matt's best friend. Landry doesn't play on the football team but remains connected through Matt. Bringing heat and drama is Tyra Collette, a sexy vixen with a history! Unlike most in Dillon, Tyra looks beyond the lights, beyond Texas, for her future. Two people not on the football team but feel the same community pressure are Tami and Julie Taylor, the wife and daughter of Coach Taylor. Tami supports Eric, attending every game and understanding of time for Eric's devotion to the team. Julie shows no interest in jocks, especially football players. She's a good student and also has a "snippy" attitude. [synoposis borrowed from the same FNL website mentioned above]

Seriously, take my word for it and watch this show.

Halloween Sluts

It's a few days till Halloween, and even though I am not a huge fan of it... there's always one thing about Halloween that makes me happy. For some reason, girls of all ages think that Halloween means "dress like a slut" day. This trend is getting more ridiculous every year as more and more girls think this is ok.

Since when did girls find the need to put "sexy" in front of every costume for Halloween? I'm sure you've seen it... Sexy Nurse, Sexy Teacher, Sexy Pirate, Sexy Bumblebee, Sexy Policewoman, Sexy Angel, Sexy Kitten, and the list goes on and on. I mean, seriously, the last time I checked all these things were not sexy. Sure, I may have had some hot teachers here and there... but how the hell can a bumblebee be sexy?! You put on some yellow underwear and a black bra and some antennaes and call yourself a bee? That's just ridiculous and you look like an idiot. Or you put on an eyepatch and a cut up tank top and underwear and call yourself a sexy pirate... umm sorry last time I check Jack Sparrow didn't look like that... and the other pirates would have surely raped you first, congratulations. Or you put on black lingerie and paint on some whiskers to be a sexy kitten... um there is nothing sexy about cats so unless you're gonna lick your crotch, then you also look like an idiot.

Now even the Disney characters have gone slutty... did Disney recently come out with a porn that I missed? Cuz apparently sexy Disney costumes are the biggest craze these days. Apparently Cinderella was a closet slut and Snow White was banging all the dwarfs, cuz that's they way these costumes portray them. I must have missed that part... aparrently Bashful wasn't so shy afterall.

When I was younger, I was the cat in the hat, a ninja, a commando, buzz lightgear, and other chracters that normal kids dress up as, but now guys feel like the biggest jackasses if they showed up to a party dressed as Buzz Lightgear and all the girls are wearing "sexy" costumes. Yea, guess who's not hooking up that night? You. Loser.

Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girl's said, “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” Umm... last time I checked, girls dress like sluts all the time. Halloween is just another reason to look slutty AND ridiculous. As much as I enjoy the eye candy, sexy outfits are a Halloween cliche that's getting out of hand. I can't wait to see what girls can conjur up this year... my suggestion: sexy transformer.

Picks of the Week 10/24

Georgia Tech -5.5 at Virginia WIN
Kansas St. -4.5 vs. Colorado WIN
N. Illinois -10.5 at Miami (OH) LOSS
Penn St. -4.5 at Michigan WIN
Iowa +1.5 at Michigan St. WIN

NFL
NE -14.5 at Tampa Bay WIN
San Diego -5.5 at KC WIN
Philly -7 at Washington WIN

Upset Pick of the Week
Idaho +15 at Nevada LOSS

7-2 thanks to a last second hail mary from Miami (OH)... seriously why would they throw a hail mary when they were down by 11?! Should have been 8-1. Much better than last week.

Retro Fads

I’m the type of person that likes to follow trends, so if anything is “in” at the time, then I gotta have it. Blackberry? Check. Northface? Check. Mac? Check. You get the point.

I saw somebody wearing a pull over jacket today, which made me think of all the retro fads out there that were all the craze while I was growing up. If you didn’t have any of these in the 90’s, then you obviously weren’t cool. I had them all… which made me the shit.

Starter Pull Over Jackets- Who didn’t have a Starter pullover jacket while growing up? Not only exclusive to one gender, boys and girls alike were all sporting these awesome jackets circa 1993. These things were so throwback, every kid had to have one regardless the team. Everybody knew the team didn’t matter, but just the fact you had one and the brighter the colors, the better. I remember the day I walked to my bus stop sporting my new Charlotte Hornets pullover, I felt like the shit. That was until the other fag kid at my stop walked up with a Miami Dolphins one, I was pissed. I wanted to ask him who the fuck he thought he was… Mine was obviously cooler. That’s beside the point though… do you guys remember all the cool shit you could hide in those middle pouches? Those things could hold some much stuff! If I still had one today, I’d bring all my work necessities in my pouch. Pens? In the pouch. Book? In the pouch. Lunch? Oh yea, in the pouch. Bottom line… these jackets were the shit. Do you remember what team you had?

JNCO Jeans- When I was in 7th grade, all the craze was about the wide legged JNCO jeans. If you wanted to be cool and have girls like you, you had to have them. In fact, the wider the legs, the cooler the person. Trust me, I was always the coolest, no doubt. I remember begging my mom to buy me a pair… and at this time JNCO’s were not cheap by any means. We would go shopping and they were all I wanted... thinking back on it, if I were my mom I would have slapped the shit out of me and told me I was an idiot for wanting to have such ridiculous jeans. I didn’t know any better though… remember how big the back pockets were? What was the point for those any way? Or how people used to cut and fray the bottoms to make them even cooler? Oh yea, that was me. Then there were the kids whose parents wouldn’t spring the dough for real JNCO jeans and get the Lee Pipes instead. I used to laugh at those kids and make fun of them. Even worse, there were the PACO jeans, or as I like to think of them… the Mexican ripoff of JNCO. I made fun of these kids even more, cuz their jeans were named after a Mexican. These imitations weren’t nearly as wide as my JNCO’s, which meant they weren’t as cool as me. Again, if you didn’t wear JNCO’s, you were a loser.

K2 Skates- Along the same time as the JNCO fad, K2 skates were big when I was in 6th grade. Skating was the shit back then, and it didn’t matter if you sucked or not as long as you had the sickest skates. There were so many to choose from, the K2 Fatties, K2 Chocolates, K2 Varsities, etc. They even had those grind panels in the middle to make grinding easier! Sadly to say, I never had a pair of K2 skates cuz they were so expensive, but I was so jealous of my friends that did. I remember sitting at my friend Pat’s house while they waxed up the metal pole and tried and failed at tricks. It didn’t matter that the coolest trick they could do was a 2 second grind, they were the shit cuz they had K2’s.

POGS- Easily the dumbest fad on this list, these cardboard milk tops were HUGE back in the day. To this day, I still don’t know what the point of them was, but the actual game had to have been the lamest and most pointless game ever thought of… but you had to collect them all! I had over 500 POGS… what the fuck was I thinking?! Not to mention, you had to have the biggest and most bad ass Slammer as well, you know, the metal pieces that you used to slam the POGS and “win” your opponents. I remember mine, the 8 ball… so sick. The only 8 ball I’ve heard of these days don’t deal with pogs… I remember going to the mall and going to the POGs stand and spending ridiculous money. There were certain ones that cost like 20 bucks apiece… for a piece of cardboard with a picture on top! Some slammers cost like $50, too. Ridiculous. Here’s a website all about POGS that I found, but don’t waste your time.



DYNOs- These bikes were the shit back in the day… again, only the coolest kids had them. I didn’t only ride a DYNO, I had the DYNO GT. Siiiiick. I had pegs and all. These were the ultimate trick bikes, but the only thing was… I didn’t do tricks on them. I just had one cuz all the cool kids had them… and obviously I was cool. The losers had the imitation Haro’s… sorry Tim… but everyone knew those were 2nd class compared to the DYNOs. I’m pretty sure these bikes are still around and I may have seen kids riding them in college… not bad idea to be pegging girls home.

Slap Bracelets- These things were gay, but I just had to mention them because they were most certainly a fad. You know, the stupid elastic bands that would swivel up when you hit them on your wrist. Yea, I used to hate it when girls would come up to me and hit me with a cheetah print swatch watch or something gay like that… I’d want to punch them in the face. If you had one of these, which I know you did but will probably lie about it and say you didn’t, you were a loser.

Beanie Babies- Dumbest fad ever that overtook the entire world… seriously. Boys, girls, moms, grandparents, whoever had to have all the beanie babies. I remember they were $5 a pop at the stores in the mall, but you better believe that when the newest beanie baby came out, they’d be sold out. I had a shit load of beanie babies, and what did I do with them? Nothing. They sat on my shelf as a display before I threw them into a box and gave them to good will. Biggest waste of money ever! There was a point when beanie babies were worth a shit ton of money… oh yea, I had the Tabasco bull one, what’s up… but once that bubble popped, they just became worthless. It didn’t matter that you had the rarest of the beanie babies, that just meant you were the biggest retard… congratulations.



Collecting Cards- Children all over the world are still collecting cards, whether it’s baseball, basketball, football, pokemon, Yu-gi-oh, or whatever, one thing will hold true… it’s a waste of time and money. It’s one thing to have vintage Mickey Mantle cards, fine that’s legit I guess, but it’s another to have books of cards like I do that have absolute no value. I have so many basketball cards that I could fill an entire closet… Some of the books I have are alphabetically sorted by last name… man I was a loser. Some of my cards are in plastic encasing to keep them in mint condition… but too bad mint condition just means still worthless. I’m not sure if there are still card enthusiasts out there that put value to cards, but I’m pretty sure they will never be as big as they used to be when I was younger. I would go to card shows at the mall and admire all the cards on display, and whenever I got my allowance, I’d buy packs of cards. Just another waste of money for a stupid fad…

Worst Facial Hair

If you have seen me recently, you know that I have been growing out my facial hair- a mustache and goatee - for laughs. The main reason for this is because I left my razor in Pete's car and have been too lazy to get it, but it's also for curiousity of what I would look like with facial hair. Everyone knows that very few Asians can grow facial hair, and I have learned that I am no exception to that rule.

It has only been a week, but recent remarks from my sister have convinced me that my prized facial hair had to go. She told me it looked like I had pubic hair on my upper lip and chin, and it made me look like a creep. After closely examining it, she was right.

I was starting to get looks from coworkers, friends while out to lunch, and randoms on the elevator. There were uncomfortable moments where I knew they were looking at my mustache thinking, "is this guy serious with that?" which made me explain myself very often. Sorry to say, but I did not get to take any pictures with my mustache and goatee, but anyone that saw me can tell you how nasty it was.

This made me think of all the worst facial hairs of all time. Here's my top 10...

10. Bobby Jenks - He thought this outrageous goatee of his would make him look slimmer, but let's be serious... it just made him look like a gay fat man.


9. Scott Spiezio - As if "the flavor saver" was not enough, Spiezio thought it was a good idea to dye it red. He is a known alchoholic, so my only inclination is that he was hammered when he did this and thought it actualyl looked good. It didn't.

8. Hulk Hogan/Rod Beck - This was a tie because they both rocked the'handlebar" mustache to the extreme. The craftmanship on these beards were flawless. I think Hulk Hogan takes the cake though for having the 2 tone black and white handlebar... Beck just kept it classy. If I didn't know any better, I'd think these mustaches were a joke, but nope... these guys thought it made them cool. Again, it didn't.

7. Jake Plummer/Jason Giambi - Again, a tie for this spot because they both sport the "child molestor mustache" as I like to call it, because well, the name says it all... these mustaches unable these men to go within 100 ft of an elementary schools and make mother's tremble. Are they serious with these mustaches? It looks like you drank shit and left some on your upper lip... Can somebody say Amber Alert?

6. Bill Walton - Many hippies sport beards because they "just don't care." Bill Walton takes the cake for me because he really was a hippie, as he widely proclaims to being a Grateful Dead enthusiast back in the day. That doesn't give him an excuse for not showering or having any personal hygiene while in the NBA, no wonder why he was so good- cuz nobody wanted to guard him.

5. Ricky Williams - At first glance, I thought this was a picture of a bum. Then I saw the jersey and realized, wow that is Ricky Williams, former heisman trophy winner. Ricky's career took a dump after he was traded from the New Orleans Saints- literally since looks like he lived in a dumpster. He gained weight and was suspended multiple times from the league for smoking pot and apparently from these photos he became a bum. If I saw this guy I would give him my change...

4. Scot Pollard - King of freaks, he was an NBA journeyman that played all over the league. Sadly, he was better known for his crazy hair styles than his play. As if the mohawk wasn't enough, he added the freak goatee. Are those rubberbands?

3. Drew Gooden - As a Bulls fan, I had to ask myself "what the fuck is with Gooden's beard?" He had to have lost some kind of bet, because no person can actually look in the mirror and think "damn, I look good" with that thing. It looks like somebody played a joke on him when he fell asleep. Gooden was benched and traded for his facial hair, not for his play.

2. Adam Morrison - Seriously, if I didn't shave for another month or 2, this would have been what my facial hair would have looked like. Many people describe it as the "beaner stache." No offense to my latino friends of course. It is much like the child molestor mustache, but less filled in and thus ratty looking. It's usually sported by novice facial hair growers (like myself) and in this case, Morrison clearly can't grow a full beard so he settles for this. Wow.

1. Kyle Orton - Cmon, you had to have known this was coming after my last post. As if the beard wasn't bad enough, Orton invented the "neck beard." This is most often displayed by alchoholics and Kyle Orton, himself.

Kyle Orton

There are several surprises in the NFL this year, but none bigger than the Denver Broncos' being 6-0. Sure, they got lucky in a couple games and down right miraculous in the Cincinatti game, but they've also carved up some of the NFL's elite teams in this improbable run as well. They made Tom Brady look like a scared little girl and made Tony Romo literally cry. Elvis Dumervil (who names their black child Elvis anyway?) has cock slapped everybody that tries to block him and now leads the NFL in sacks.

I had predicted the Broncos to win no more than 4 games this season, primarily because of their comical offseason. They brought in a new coach who wants to bring in his old QB from New England, which pisses off Jay Cutler cuz he's a baby. The insueing conversation when he found out most likely went something like this:

Jay: "What? You don't want me here? I have a better arm than John fucking Elway and you want to fuckin replace me with that one hit wonder Matt Cassel? I could throw a ball way harder than that faggot."
Josh McDaniels: "No, Jay... I did not say I didn't want you. Those were all rumors. You are my QB and the QB of the future for the Denver Broncos"
Jay: "Fuck you, I will not play for anybody that doesn't want this sexy rocket arm. Wahhhh wahhh wahh.. I demand to be traded, fuck you guys"

So they trade for Kyle Orton. My first thought, "Holy shit, there is a football god afterall." The Bears got a pro bowl QB with a rocket arm, and got rid of limp armed Orton and his grotesque neck beard. Finally, the missing piece that the Bears have been lacking since the days of Jim Miller. Just kidding, since ever.

So while the Bears are a measly 3-2 and Jay Cutler is still rocketing the ball down the field, but his 7 interceptions- particularly in the red zone- have doomed us in our losses. The Broncos on the other hand 6-0 and analysts are praising Kyle Orton like the second coming of Jesus. I mean seriously, Trent Dilfer, why don't you just stroke his dick some more, it's obvious you have a man crush on him by the way you speak so highly of him.

Sure, Orton has put up ridiculous numbers this season thus far... but how long can he really keep this up? Orton has completed 64 percent of his passes for 1,465 yards, nine touchdowns and only one interception (which was from a hail mary at the end of the half). At that rate, he'll throw for 3,907 yards, 24 touchdowns and 2 2/3 interceptions in 2009. . He has a QB rating of over 100 for God's sake, even Tom Brady doesn't have those numbers! Not bad for a throw in on the deal...

So just like in my recent post about former Bears running back Cedric Benson, who has revitalized his career in Cincinatti, maybe a change of scenery can do wonders for even the most dismal players. That, or perhaps Chicago is where good players go to die. The latter seems fitting from the likes of Cubs, Sox, and now the Bears.

Even with all the success, somethings never change however. Kyle Orton still has a noodle arm that makes him settle for the 5 yard dump offs or screen passes and Brandon Marshall is making him look better than he is. I would question if Orton can throw the ball 50 yards... Cutler can do that with his left arm. More importantly, Orton still sports the neck beard and it's uglier than ever. It makes red necks and Canadiens everywhere proud, and he has solidified hiimself as one of the ugliest players in the NFL. Furthermore, Orton still loves that Jack Daniel's... somethings will never change. Party on Orton!

Oh Yea Orton, hit that...

Look at this shirt, seriously what professional athlete would party in this shirt?! You look like a dirty hippie...

Steven Seagal: Lawman

That's right, Steven Seagal is coming out with his very own TV show, "STEVEN SEAGAL LAWMAN," set to air Wednesday, December 2nd at 10PM ET/PT on A&E with back-to-back episodes. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am for this... it's Steven Seagal! Arguably the biggest bad ass ever. Yes, ever. If Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Steven Seagal were in a battle royal, it would be no contest- Steven Seagal wins.

The show is gonna chronicle his life as a police officer for Jefferson Parrish County where apparently he has been an officer for almost 2 decades... what?! You're telling me Steven Seagal was a police officer on the side of doing blockbuster hits? Could you imagine getting pulled over by Steven Seagal? Or if you were robbing a bank and Steven Seagal busted in? I wouldn't even be mad I was going to jail, I'd ask him for an autograph while getting my ass beat. Then I'd tell all my friends I got my ass whooped by Steven Seagal.

Here are several reasons why Steven Seagal is a badass...

1. Every single one of his movies have the EXACT same plot, yet they are all equally awesome and have grossed over $2 billion worldwide. You know what I'm talking about... Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Under Siege (1 AND 2) and "blockbuster hit" Exit Wounds. Yes, exit wounds was the collaboration with rapper DMX. How did he not win an oscar for that performance? Speaking of collaborating with rappers, I can't forget about that movie that plays 7 times a day on TNT starring Ja Rule and Seagal in a doo rag.. Another instant classic. And what's with all the hilarious film titles... Kill Switch, Deadly Finds, Driven to Kill, On Deadly Grounds, Mercenary for Justice, Time to Kill, Hard to Kill... I mean cmon obviously this guy is all about killing.

2. He has his own energy drink, Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt." Who has their own energy drink, seriously? I've personally never tasted this, but I can only imagine what it will do to you. It had his face on it and proclaims to be an "Asian Experience Energy Drink." Sounds right up my ally. This in itself is hilarious beyond belief.

3. He runs like a bitch and at one speed... yet he ALWAYS catches the bad guys. If you've seen the movies mentioned above, you know what I'm talking about. That brisklike jog that Seagal runs with resembles a 10 year old girl in the special olympics, yet he never even breaks a sweat as the bad guys are always looking behind them in amazement like "what the fuck?!" Yea, I think the same thing. It's cuz he's Steven Seagal and I pray that he runs like this in real life and is displayed on Lawman.

4. Dude had a ponytail. Seriously, who rocks the ponytail and gets away with it? Steven Seagal does.

5. He's also a rock star. Yes, another shocker... this guy just never ceases to amaze me. Believe it or not, he’s actually a good guitar player and has released two albums. If you disagree, then he’ll kick your ass. This is another storyline in his new series... so when he's not beating ass he's making girls wet with music. Check out his band... where did he find 3 brotha's to form a band with him? He resembles a fat Dave Mathews...

6. Speaking of girls, he's was married to a serous slampiece. Not just any slampiece though, but the chick from Weird Science, Kelly Lebrock! She was the center of every 15 year olds wet dreams at one point in time... and Seagal (with the ponytail) bagged her after they starred together in Hard to Kill. Obviously all that bad ass killing made him irresistible. The best part is that Seagal split from LeBrock before she became a fatty- a fact I found on another Seagal enthusiast website.
7. Also from the same Seagal enthusiast website (who would have known there are so many?), Steven Seagal designed his own knife. You may think that a knife is a knife. But Crocodile Dundee proved that otherwise. Seagal knows this, and that’s why he designed his own knife and teamed up with Kershaw Knivesto bring it to your doorstep. You know people fear you when you have a knife named after you. I'm ordering one as we speak.
8. His demeanor... the squinty eyes with a forced breathy tone when he speaks scares the shit out of bad guys in movies. That and the fact that he is a 7th degree black belt in Aikido martial arts, which means he can kill you before you even know what's going on. You would still be in shock that you're in Steven Seagal's presence by the time he makes you shit your pants with a pressure point.

9. He's a philanthropist on the side... so basically when he's not killing people he's saving pandas. This picture explains it all... is there anything this guy can't do?

To sum all of this up... here is Urban Dictionary's description of Steven Seagal. Clearly, somebody sees the awesomeness of Steven Seagal other than me.

Steven Seagal- A very powerful man, one so powerful he beats his three wives for fun. Has hair the likes one has never seen; it resembles matted down beaver hair that never moves, even when fighting on top of a train or running around in the Alaskan wilderness. Currently weighing in at a cool 400 pounds, he doesn't have to actually fight anymore, just wave his hands and all have broken necks or arms. He dresses to kill in all black, which does not hide his bulky ass. No acting skills are required; all that is needed is to have a dick in your throat and be able to mumble "Mission Accomplished". In order to kill like Seagal, you must be able to slide for 20 minutes without a running start and shoot your enemies at the same time, even on the flattest of surfaces. (No reloading is required, your ammo is endless).

Every movie is made with his character having the name "John", "Jack", or "Casey". In order to write a plot for a Seagal movie, all you must do is have him a) be a cop, b) a mercenary or c) an ex-serviceman. Then Seagal must either save a sub, a town, a nuclear warhead, the environment, or all of the above. He must do battle with Columbian druglords, terrorists, or environmental evildoers. Then Seagal ultimately saves the day, and ends the movie with a snazzy one-liner. While the credits are rolling, you could have him strumming one of his guitars, and singing a jaunty little number.

Rejection Letters

For all those people out there that are still in the job market, aka funemployed, like me… I’m sure you are far too familiar with these dreadful rejection letters/emails. They usually go something like this…

Dear Jeffrey:

Thank you for your interest in joining [asshole company name]. After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that you have not been selected to interview for this position.

Your profile will remain in our system. We encourage you to continue to explore other positions that match your skills and interests. If you selected the option in your profile, you may receive emails from our system regarding other positions that match the preferences you indicated in your profile. We encourage you to visit our career site from time to time to update your profile, in “My Job Finder”, apply for other positions, and learn more about [enter shitty company name].


Thank you for your interest in [douschebags]. I wish you success in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
asshole

Please do not reply to this e-mail. Replies to this message are undeliverable.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


But after getting several of these, I have deciphered the real message they are trying to convey… it goes something like this:


Dear douschebag,

Thank you for applying to our company, but we think you are an unqualified loser and there is no way in hell we will be hiring you. We barely even looked at your credentials, but I can already tell you wouldn’t fit in with our company, so sorry buddy you won’t be getting an interview but my unqualified cousin will be instead.

I’m gonna throw your resume in the trash now, but just so you feel better you can think I put it on file for future positions. Don’t worry, you won’t be getting those either… loser. Go ahead and look at our company website though, and look at other positions that you won’t be getting either.

Thanks again for your interest…. I hope you rot in hell.

Sincerely,
Asshole

Please do not reply to this e-mail because I don’t care.


So next time you get another one of those rejection letters, you know exactly what they are really saying. Good luck on the search!

Illini Football

This past Saturday, I put on my Illini jersey and got ready to watch the Illinois Fighting Illini take on the Indiana Hoosiers. Illinois was 1-4 on the season heading into the game, and 0-2 in conference play. It is without a doubt one of the most disappointing seasons, but what else is new from a state that produced the sad play of the Chicago Cubs and White Sox. The Illini are only 2 years removed from a 9-3 Rose Bowl birth that had the entire campus going wild and the entire Illini team making it rain at CO's, with powerhouse recruiting classes and Jarred Fayson, a Florida transfer, ready to be the difference maker that they desperately needed. Illinois was projected to be be a sleeper in the Big 10 conference, and heralded as having one of the most explosive offenses in all of college football.

I mean, with all that talent on the field it seemed like a pretty reasonable projection right? It didn't matter that we only finished 5-7 last year, but it was just a hiccup in the Ron Zook era. With all our returning starters with another season of experience under their belt, it was time for all that talent to materialize. Juice was bound for a breakout senior year, Rejus Benn was a first team all-american, Fayson was our new difference maker, and the rest of the Illini were bound to contend for the Big 10... or so it seemed.

However, after getting absolutely embarrassed by Missouri and then shut out by Ohio St, I figured it could only get better from there right? I mean, it was Illinois homecoming, which meant we could at least muster up enough adrenaline to beat Michigan St. right? No. Instead, we made Kurt Cousins look like Tom Brady on the field as he carved up the Illini defense, and yet another disappointing performance by our "high powered" offense. Sorry but last time I checked, dump downs and screen passes to our RBs don't exactly count as high powered.

So that brought me to this week.... reluctantly I had my Illini jersey on and watching the Illini-Indiana game. Indiana was the only team in the cellar of the Big 10 with us, and many people saying the ONLY team worse than the Illini. This was the game, I figured... our break out game that would get us out of this funk. Instead, we let Indiana QB Ben Chappell (who?!) throw for 333 yards and 3 TD's and Indiana took advantage of a bunch of Illinois miscues to win convincingly, 27-13. This made me question my loyalty to Illini football... so I had to dig deep to figure out why they suck so bad. This is what I came up with...

Juice Williams- You're supposed to be the leader of this football team, you're the engine that makes this machine run... yet you continue to disappoint us week in and week out. Seriously, how did you regress so much from year to year? Remember when you threw for close to 500 yds in last year's Missouri game? This year you got benched. Cool man. You no longer run with the same passion you used to and you have buttery hands worse than me. What's with the fumbles? Every time we have a glimmer of hope to get back into a game, you fumble the ball or throw a pick. I don't know what goes through your huge head, and I mean HUGE head - if you've ever seen Juice, his head is abnormally large- but turnovers are killer for any team, especially a struggling one like us. Time to get benched and look toward the future, but too bad Eddie McGhee looks like a crack addict so the future does not look much better anyway. Good luck living in Rantoul for the rest of your life and being an Illini legend that could have been but never was.

Rejus Benn- So much potential and I respect you so much for coming to an up and coming program instead of an already established one. You basically put Illini football on the map, and we thank you for that. It's not your fault that you have big head throwing you passes which have only amassed for 22 receptions for 222 yards and 0 TDs... yes 0 TDs. Hardly 1st team all-american numbers. You were projected to catch 10-12 TD passes this season, but now it looks like the only thing you're catching is Swine flu. Do yourself a favor and bolt for the NFL next year, just pray you don't get drafted by the Raiders or Rams or else you'll have another inept QB throwing you the ball.

Jarred Fayson- still unproven but after so much hype, you really seem like a bust. Again, doesn't help that big head is your QB, but I would just like to ask you what you were thinking leaving Tim Tebow for Juice? I mean, even if you didn't get playing time, it was Tim Tebow! He's like a God among men, you should have just stayed on the team to be in his presence. Good choice bro.

Illini Defense- You guys are so bad, I think the Champaign Centennial team could put up good numbers against you guys. Martez, I know you got stabbed and all in the off season... but cmon dude you were the #1 recruit coming out of high school and you were supposed to step into the MLB role this season to replace past Illini legends like J Leman, Dick Butkus, etc. The only thing that's clear to me though is that you will never have the toughness of Butkus, and obviously will NEVER have the sweet hair like J Leman. Our DB's wouldn't even be able to cover a receiver in a wheelchair, let alone contend in the Big 10. I mean, you're letting the no-name Indiana QB put up career numbers on you, what would Colt McCoy or other elite QBs do to you? It would look like a scrimmage. Pathetic.

Ron Zook- There's not doubt that you're a great recruiter, but if that's true then you must absolutely suck at coaching. You have so much talent, but have never taken them to their fullest potential. Maybe it's your raspy voice, but you just don't seem to be generating much response from your players. Your devotion to Juice has made me question whether or not there's more going on behind the scenes... it's only fitting that both of you will be out of a job together. Recently, you said that "5 years ago, nobody cared about Illini football." Not exactly a smart comment when you're job is already in question and you've lost the support of Illini nation. The fact is, however, programs create die-hard fans by being good, by winning games, something that you have not done with the exception of one season. That was an irrogant comment that will sure to piss off a lot of ppl, and with your most recent loss, it's evident that if this program wants to go to the next level, it will have to be with out you. There's no doubt that your days in Champaign are numbered. You're out like CO's... thanks for the memories!

You couldn't even pay me to go to an Illini game these days, and I would most certainly not pay money to see the sad team we put on the field every week. The schedule doesn't look like it's getting any easier with match ups with Michigan and non-conference Cincinnati coming up. I have a feeling it's gonna get even uglier for the Illini before it gets better... my prediction 3-9. The only thing the Illini faithfuls have to look forward to now is the powerhouse recruiting classes that should put the Illini basketball program back on top... but this is an all too familiar storyline that I've seen before.

I-L-L... I-N-I!!

Picks of the Week 10/17

Saturday, October 17th
Ohio St. -13.5 at Purdue
BYU -17 at San Diego St.

Sunday, October 18th
Philly -14 at Oakland

I'm sorry for the awful picks I gave this week... I actually finished with an above .500 record this week, but for some reason chose 3 awful losses to post. Feel free to e-mail me at any time for my other picks... guarantee next week will be different.

Hottest Eva Debate

After my last post, there were a lot of people telling me that I forgot Eva Longoria. Yes, she is smoking hot and I'm sorry that I forgot to include her... I forgot she was Hispanic. However, others argued that Eva Longoria is hotter than Eva Mendes, who was on my list. This is been debated before, but with no results. Here's our chance to settle this once and for all.

Eva Mendes

Eva Longoria

Which Eva is Hotter?

Hispanic Heritage Month

October is Hispanic Heritage Month which means cities like Miami and Carpenterville (home to my high school) are celebrating like it’s Cinco de Mayo. So in leau of this month… I’ve decided to put together a list of the coolest and most influential Hispanics. I could have gone the easy route and put the likes of Sonia Sotomayor or other Hispanic political figures…. But I hate politics and these are the coolest and most influential to me.

George Lopez- Not sure why but when I think of Hispanic I think of George Lopez. He’s a stand up comedian and actor that stars in his self-titled show George Lopez. I’m not gonna lie, I’m not sure what else he has done, but he’s a funny dude.

Mario Lopez- aka AC Slater. This guy made the mullet cool and he patented the sitting on chairs backwards. He gave meaning to being a jock and is the main reason why jocks make fun of nerds. What little Latino child didn’t wanna be AC Slater when they grew up? His only downside was dating Jesse Spano… she was a freak... but everybody knew he was screwing around with Kelly Kapowski on the side while Zack was butt pumping Screech. If you didn't see that happening, you're a idiot cuz AC Slater ALWAYS got the hottest chicks.

Marc Anthony- This guy looks like skeletor yet he has dated some of the most beautiful women in the world. He even cheated on the former Miss Universe with a Miami waitress! Dude, you were married to the most beautiful women IN THE UNIVERSE! And you still cheated on her! I'm not sure if that's cool or just moranic... but now he’s married to J.Lo… how does he do it?!

Christiano Ronaldo- Dubbed the sexiest man in the world, this guy is a global playboy. He is, arguably, the best soccer player in the world and was recently bought from Manchester United for 80 million Euros! When he’s not playing soccer, he’s an underwear model and parties with the likes of Paris Hilton and other hot celebrities. He is God in his native Portugal… easily the coolest Hispanic on this list.

Pedro from Napolean Dynamite- One of the most memorable quotes from the movie: "Well, when I came home from school my head started to get really hot. So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing. So I laid in the bathtub for a while, but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my head hot. So I went into my kitchen and I shaved it all off. I don't want anyone to see." Vote for Pedro!

Emilio Estevez- aka Gordon Bombay, the Minnesota Miracle Man from the Mighty Ducks. Of course, Emilio has had many bigger roles, perhaps the Breakfast Club, but I only remember him leading Charlie, Goldberg, Adam Banks, and the rest of the Ducks to a gold medal against team Iceland. I hated those guys! EMILIOOOOO

Sammy Sosa- There could have been many baseball players on this list since 99% of the Major Leagues is Hispanic (just look at the White Sox lineup), but I put Sammy Sosa on the list because this guy cheated baseball so bad, that it’s just hilarious. As if steroids weren’t bad enough, using a corked bat and being caught is even funnier. His hop step and kiss and chest pounds after each home run were so unneeded and only made him look like a dousche bag. Sammy, you’re on this list for being the biggest idiot.

Mexican that got me through Spanish Class- Thank you.

Julio Costa- Cuz he used to hook you up at CO’s and the only person that likes to bet as much I do. Enough said...

Sexiest Hispanic Women… These women need no explanation and are some of the sexiest women in the world

Shakira- Her hips don’t lie.

Adriana Lima

Eva Mendes

So to you all, I say Gracias!

Nip/Tuck

Tonight is the season premier of Nip/Tuck Season 6 at 9 pm central time on FX.

Nip/Tuck is one of the most provocative shows on television about the plastic surgeons of McNamara/Troy. However, I'll admit that it has never lived up to the hype since season 3 with the Carver, but nonetheless, it has still been a great show worth your time.

In case you've missed out... Last season, everybody's idol Christian was diagnosed with breast cancer and he believed he was dying. However, I knew this couldn't have been true since the show would be nothing with out him and his countless sexcapades. To my dismay, he asked his long time assistant Liz to marry him and she accepted. However, in the last scene of the season Christian learned that his cancer is actually in remission, which leaves us asking ourselves what he will do now that he's married to that disgusting lesbian? Other plots... A vulnerable Sean entered into a new romance with anesthesiologist Teddy Rowe (Katee Sackhoff) and adult-film mogul Ram Peters (best porn name ever, played by John Schneider) left a devastated Kimber for Eden Lord (AnnaLynne McCord, so hot!). And Julia, well who cares cuz nobody likes her anyway.

So what can we expect from this season?

Courtesy of FXnetwork.com... As season 6 begins, Sean and Christian struggle to keep McNamara/Troy thriving in a failing economy and turn to another plastic surgeon to attain additional income through a new cosmetic procedure for women. After learning the truth about Christian's true marital intentions and his cancer recovery, a heartbroken and furious Liz sues him for divorce. Matt and Kimber seek new, separate career paths with little support, much frustration and mixed results. Sean remains disillusioned and somewhat distant from Teddy (now played by Rose McGowan), despite their seemingly flourishing relationship.

Sounds like it could get interesting, and one thing is for sure... there will be plenty of hot chicks and sex. I'm thinking it's time Christian drops that lesbo and returns to his old self that everybody loved.

FX is easily one the best channels on TV and home to many of my favorite shows such as Nip/Tuck, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Rescue Me, and soon to be the League (a show about fantasy football... brilliant.) I suggest you watch any of these shows, I guarantee you won't be disappointed.

Tip Me Bitch

If you don't know already, on my day's off I help out at the family restaurant and take deliveries. Not exactly the ideal job, but it is the family business and I gotta help out when needed. After several months of doing this, I've discovered that delivery driver's are constantly shit on by people, myself included in the past, and for all of you people that have ever not tipped a driver, you are an asshole.

When I was in college, there were countless times that my friends and I would order DP Dough or any various places from my last post and get it delivered. When you're ordering for a big group, collecting money is always a bitch. Everyone will give you exact change, which leaves the person actually giving the money to the driver seem like a huge dick. Why should it be that person's responsibility to pay a few extra bucks for tip? You've all been in this position before. On a college budget, I would always say fuck that I'm not doing it. The emo Jimmy John's delivery driver would hand me the food and I'd give him the cash which usually included 40 cents extra and I'd shut the door as fast as possible. Even worse, sometimes I'd have to sign the credit card slip without adding a tip and basically start running up the stairs before the driver noticed. Oh trust me, they always do.

Now, it's a role reversal. Often times I get the credit card slip with no tip written in or I'll get exact change. I am very polite when I go to the door, I always bullshit the customer by complementing their hideous house or playing with their smelly dog. I'll pretend I'm a fan of whatever sports team they have on the TV or I'll play with their ugly little kid. I'm the king of bullshitting, which amazes me even more when I get stiffed. I want to say to the customer, "excuse me you cheap asshole, is this a fucking joke? You can't even spare an extra dollar to cover the gas it took me to get here because you're a lazy piece of shit and couldn't pick up the food yourself?" But since it's the family business, I don't. I just smile. However, behind that smile, I'm thinking I want to steal the bike from their garage on my way out or step on their flower bed. That would make them reconsider being cheap next time.

Some people will argue that the driver gets the delivery charge that is added to your bill, which is true, but that is really a charge for your laziness. You're the one that doesn't want to step into the bitter cold or drenching rain, it's not a tip.

So the next time you order out and get it delivered, think of me and cut the guy a break. Nothing makes me more happy when I get a $5 or $10 tip to show their appreciation for the trouble. Even a couple bucks makes a difference.

Drunk Eating

We often times wake up with regrettable decisions from the night before... some people wake up next to a beastly fat chick next to them, some are reminded of their embarassing actions/dance moves at the bar, and others are the nightly wrappers of whatever drunk food you ate the night before. For me, it's the latter. If you're anything like me, you can't resist the late night munchies after getting shitfaced with friends. The temptations of late night foods always overtake your earlier pledges to not do it... but when you're leaving the bar at 2 a.m. and making that brutal trek back to your place, it's hard to ignore those neon signs, the yelling of the hot dog guy, or the alluring smells of deliciousness.

This past weekend in Champaign made me realize how much I miss Champaign, not just for the uninhibited lack of morals and binge drinking that it entails, but mainly for the boundless spots to drunk eat afterwards. Here's my list of the top ten places to visit after a long night of drinking...

#10 Gumby's- I never really fell into the whole Pokey Stix craze that most UofI freshman fall into, but I can't deny... the pokey stix were unbelievable. Even the giant XXL box that they offer was never enough... they would undoubtedly be devoured by a room of friends within minutes of arrival. All sauces are a must.

#9 Bonnie Jean's- This was my go-to as a freshman living at Bromley. It was so close and I could never resist the lures of those giant slices of pizza covered in red pepper and parmesan cheese. 2 slices for $4? I'll take 4, please. It's gone through multiple name changes since I was first there, but somethings never change about that place... the freak emo workers and the delicious pizza.

#8 La Bamba- Always too far for me when I was drunk, but well worth it when I actually did make it all the way over there. Easily the best Mexican food when drunk... Burritos the size of your head just sound too tempting when you're hammered and the super nachos are loaded with regrettable decisions. Only downside is the aftermath that follows the next morning... but no one thinks about repercussions of actions when you're drunk.

#7 Jimmy John's - Quick and easy and delicious... what more could you ask for when you're drunk. It's slightly more healthy (I think?) compared to everything else in my top 10 and it is certainly more tasty than Silver Mine, who barely made my honorable mention list only because it was the closest place to my beloved CO's. JJ, however, is clearly the best sandwich shop in Champaign, and the #1 spot for novice drunk eaters. Once you step up to the big boys, you'll realize that everything below on this list is much greasier aka better when you're drunk.

#6 Hot Dog Vendor- This might not be in everybodies top 10, but I love this guy. He's like the non BCS team that makes the top 10 in college football... the total uunderdog. However, if you've ever eaten from this guy, his food is delicious. His hot dogs might possibly be the best in town, but his best product is, hands down, the tamale boat. If you haven't had this, then you haven't lived.

#5 Antonio's- Always a zoo after bar close, but since I never lived at Green St. Towers in my time in Champaign, I never fully appreciated Antonio's for all it was worth. The had such a great variety of pizzas that even the most picky person could enjoy it. My personal favorite was the quesadilla pizza or the one with the tri colored tortellini on top. You know what I'm talking about...

#4 Prime Time Pizza- Another one of my favorites, but it was ousted out of my top 3. In my opinion, this was the best pizza in town. Even when sober, the deep dish pizza from PTP was comparable to any chicago style deep dish I have ever eaten. The calzones were amazing and generously priced. Italian Beef Calzones were ordered at least once a week my senior year. I felt like I personally knew the delivery driver's by name. This is another must have when visiting Champaign.

#3 Niro's- The busiest place on campus once 2 a.m. hits and for good reason. If you went to UofI, then you've drunk ate at Niro's before, no doubt about it. So many great things to choose from, but my go-to's are usually the cheese fries, mozz sticks, and the chicken caesar pita. That sounds like an absurd amount of food to eat in once sitting, but trust me... it can be done. When I'm feeling really ballsy I'll go with a double plate gyro and some chicken fingers as well... There have been countless mornings that I've woken up to the sickening sight of oil soaked brown paper bags on the table and you know you have too...

#2 D.P. Dough- 3 words... Ranch. Buffer. Zone. This was almost my #1, cuz it's always my go-to when I'm drunk and hungry... but I remember how often times when you called at 2 a.m. for delivery, the wait was often ridiculous... I'm talkin an hour or more. Cmon, when I'm drunk and starving, I'm not looking to wait an hour. But when I did, the calzones from D.P. Dough were well worth it. Unlike many of the other places on my list... I'd eat it when I was sober.

#1 Merry Ann's- This was a no brainer for me. Merry Ann's has the best drunk food and the best drunk atmosphere, hands down. Nothing beats a diner stack smothered in gravy or an omelet with a side of hash browns and/or corned beef. It's been a staple for drunk UofI students for decades and as far as I'm concerned, I will be drunk eating here for many years to come when I visit. The service is exceptional, and Mary (all the workers at Merry Ann's are named Mary, as Curt once told me) is the best. Even the fat lady (fat Mary) that sits at the cash register never changes! Of course, the only downside is getting there when you're drunk, but there have certainly been countless excursions to Merry Ann's that we've defied the impossible to get there. Didn't matter if we had to play rock, paper, scissors to decide who was the most sober to drive, or if we went there after a long night of work... the food was exceptional every time.

Honorable Mention: Zorba's (Gyro's a hidden wonder), Qdoba, SilverMine, Giovanti's

A top 10 list of city spots to drunk eat is coming soon, but I haven't had enough time to try enough places. Currently taking suggestions...