Kyle Orton

There are several surprises in the NFL this year, but none bigger than the Denver Broncos' being 6-0. Sure, they got lucky in a couple games and down right miraculous in the Cincinatti game, but they've also carved up some of the NFL's elite teams in this improbable run as well. They made Tom Brady look like a scared little girl and made Tony Romo literally cry. Elvis Dumervil (who names their black child Elvis anyway?) has cock slapped everybody that tries to block him and now leads the NFL in sacks.

I had predicted the Broncos to win no more than 4 games this season, primarily because of their comical offseason. They brought in a new coach who wants to bring in his old QB from New England, which pisses off Jay Cutler cuz he's a baby. The insueing conversation when he found out most likely went something like this:

Jay: "What? You don't want me here? I have a better arm than John fucking Elway and you want to fuckin replace me with that one hit wonder Matt Cassel? I could throw a ball way harder than that faggot."
Josh McDaniels: "No, Jay... I did not say I didn't want you. Those were all rumors. You are my QB and the QB of the future for the Denver Broncos"
Jay: "Fuck you, I will not play for anybody that doesn't want this sexy rocket arm. Wahhhh wahhh wahh.. I demand to be traded, fuck you guys"

So they trade for Kyle Orton. My first thought, "Holy shit, there is a football god afterall." The Bears got a pro bowl QB with a rocket arm, and got rid of limp armed Orton and his grotesque neck beard. Finally, the missing piece that the Bears have been lacking since the days of Jim Miller. Just kidding, since ever.

So while the Bears are a measly 3-2 and Jay Cutler is still rocketing the ball down the field, but his 7 interceptions- particularly in the red zone- have doomed us in our losses. The Broncos on the other hand 6-0 and analysts are praising Kyle Orton like the second coming of Jesus. I mean seriously, Trent Dilfer, why don't you just stroke his dick some more, it's obvious you have a man crush on him by the way you speak so highly of him.

Sure, Orton has put up ridiculous numbers this season thus far... but how long can he really keep this up? Orton has completed 64 percent of his passes for 1,465 yards, nine touchdowns and only one interception (which was from a hail mary at the end of the half). At that rate, he'll throw for 3,907 yards, 24 touchdowns and 2 2/3 interceptions in 2009. . He has a QB rating of over 100 for God's sake, even Tom Brady doesn't have those numbers! Not bad for a throw in on the deal...

So just like in my recent post about former Bears running back Cedric Benson, who has revitalized his career in Cincinatti, maybe a change of scenery can do wonders for even the most dismal players. That, or perhaps Chicago is where good players go to die. The latter seems fitting from the likes of Cubs, Sox, and now the Bears.

Even with all the success, somethings never change however. Kyle Orton still has a noodle arm that makes him settle for the 5 yard dump offs or screen passes and Brandon Marshall is making him look better than he is. I would question if Orton can throw the ball 50 yards... Cutler can do that with his left arm. More importantly, Orton still sports the neck beard and it's uglier than ever. It makes red necks and Canadiens everywhere proud, and he has solidified hiimself as one of the ugliest players in the NFL. Furthermore, Orton still loves that Jack Daniel's... somethings will never change. Party on Orton!

Oh Yea Orton, hit that...

Look at this shirt, seriously what professional athlete would party in this shirt?! You look like a dirty hippie...

Steven Seagal: Lawman

That's right, Steven Seagal is coming out with his very own TV show, "STEVEN SEAGAL LAWMAN," set to air Wednesday, December 2nd at 10PM ET/PT on A&E with back-to-back episodes. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am for this... it's Steven Seagal! Arguably the biggest bad ass ever. Yes, ever. If Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Steven Seagal were in a battle royal, it would be no contest- Steven Seagal wins.

The show is gonna chronicle his life as a police officer for Jefferson Parrish County where apparently he has been an officer for almost 2 decades... what?! You're telling me Steven Seagal was a police officer on the side of doing blockbuster hits? Could you imagine getting pulled over by Steven Seagal? Or if you were robbing a bank and Steven Seagal busted in? I wouldn't even be mad I was going to jail, I'd ask him for an autograph while getting my ass beat. Then I'd tell all my friends I got my ass whooped by Steven Seagal.

Here are several reasons why Steven Seagal is a badass...

1. Every single one of his movies have the EXACT same plot, yet they are all equally awesome and have grossed over $2 billion worldwide. You know what I'm talking about... Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Under Siege (1 AND 2) and "blockbuster hit" Exit Wounds. Yes, exit wounds was the collaboration with rapper DMX. How did he not win an oscar for that performance? Speaking of collaborating with rappers, I can't forget about that movie that plays 7 times a day on TNT starring Ja Rule and Seagal in a doo rag.. Another instant classic. And what's with all the hilarious film titles... Kill Switch, Deadly Finds, Driven to Kill, On Deadly Grounds, Mercenary for Justice, Time to Kill, Hard to Kill... I mean cmon obviously this guy is all about killing.

2. He has his own energy drink, Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt." Who has their own energy drink, seriously? I've personally never tasted this, but I can only imagine what it will do to you. It had his face on it and proclaims to be an "Asian Experience Energy Drink." Sounds right up my ally. This in itself is hilarious beyond belief.

3. He runs like a bitch and at one speed... yet he ALWAYS catches the bad guys. If you've seen the movies mentioned above, you know what I'm talking about. That brisklike jog that Seagal runs with resembles a 10 year old girl in the special olympics, yet he never even breaks a sweat as the bad guys are always looking behind them in amazement like "what the fuck?!" Yea, I think the same thing. It's cuz he's Steven Seagal and I pray that he runs like this in real life and is displayed on Lawman.

4. Dude had a ponytail. Seriously, who rocks the ponytail and gets away with it? Steven Seagal does.

5. He's also a rock star. Yes, another shocker... this guy just never ceases to amaze me. Believe it or not, he’s actually a good guitar player and has released two albums. If you disagree, then he’ll kick your ass. This is another storyline in his new series... so when he's not beating ass he's making girls wet with music. Check out his band... where did he find 3 brotha's to form a band with him? He resembles a fat Dave Mathews...

6. Speaking of girls, he's was married to a serous slampiece. Not just any slampiece though, but the chick from Weird Science, Kelly Lebrock! She was the center of every 15 year olds wet dreams at one point in time... and Seagal (with the ponytail) bagged her after they starred together in Hard to Kill. Obviously all that bad ass killing made him irresistible. The best part is that Seagal split from LeBrock before she became a fatty- a fact I found on another Seagal enthusiast website.
7. Also from the same Seagal enthusiast website (who would have known there are so many?), Steven Seagal designed his own knife. You may think that a knife is a knife. But Crocodile Dundee proved that otherwise. Seagal knows this, and that’s why he designed his own knife and teamed up with Kershaw Knivesto bring it to your doorstep. You know people fear you when you have a knife named after you. I'm ordering one as we speak.
8. His demeanor... the squinty eyes with a forced breathy tone when he speaks scares the shit out of bad guys in movies. That and the fact that he is a 7th degree black belt in Aikido martial arts, which means he can kill you before you even know what's going on. You would still be in shock that you're in Steven Seagal's presence by the time he makes you shit your pants with a pressure point.

9. He's a philanthropist on the side... so basically when he's not killing people he's saving pandas. This picture explains it all... is there anything this guy can't do?

To sum all of this up... here is Urban Dictionary's description of Steven Seagal. Clearly, somebody sees the awesomeness of Steven Seagal other than me.

Steven Seagal- A very powerful man, one so powerful he beats his three wives for fun. Has hair the likes one has never seen; it resembles matted down beaver hair that never moves, even when fighting on top of a train or running around in the Alaskan wilderness. Currently weighing in at a cool 400 pounds, he doesn't have to actually fight anymore, just wave his hands and all have broken necks or arms. He dresses to kill in all black, which does not hide his bulky ass. No acting skills are required; all that is needed is to have a dick in your throat and be able to mumble "Mission Accomplished". In order to kill like Seagal, you must be able to slide for 20 minutes without a running start and shoot your enemies at the same time, even on the flattest of surfaces. (No reloading is required, your ammo is endless).

Every movie is made with his character having the name "John", "Jack", or "Casey". In order to write a plot for a Seagal movie, all you must do is have him a) be a cop, b) a mercenary or c) an ex-serviceman. Then Seagal must either save a sub, a town, a nuclear warhead, the environment, or all of the above. He must do battle with Columbian druglords, terrorists, or environmental evildoers. Then Seagal ultimately saves the day, and ends the movie with a snazzy one-liner. While the credits are rolling, you could have him strumming one of his guitars, and singing a jaunty little number.

Rejection Letters

For all those people out there that are still in the job market, aka funemployed, like me… I’m sure you are far too familiar with these dreadful rejection letters/emails. They usually go something like this…

Dear Jeffrey:

Thank you for your interest in joining [asshole company name]. After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that you have not been selected to interview for this position.

Your profile will remain in our system. We encourage you to continue to explore other positions that match your skills and interests. If you selected the option in your profile, you may receive emails from our system regarding other positions that match the preferences you indicated in your profile. We encourage you to visit our career site from time to time to update your profile, in “My Job Finder”, apply for other positions, and learn more about [enter shitty company name].


Thank you for your interest in [douschebags]. I wish you success in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
asshole

Please do not reply to this e-mail. Replies to this message are undeliverable.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


But after getting several of these, I have deciphered the real message they are trying to convey… it goes something like this:


Dear douschebag,

Thank you for applying to our company, but we think you are an unqualified loser and there is no way in hell we will be hiring you. We barely even looked at your credentials, but I can already tell you wouldn’t fit in with our company, so sorry buddy you won’t be getting an interview but my unqualified cousin will be instead.

I’m gonna throw your resume in the trash now, but just so you feel better you can think I put it on file for future positions. Don’t worry, you won’t be getting those either… loser. Go ahead and look at our company website though, and look at other positions that you won’t be getting either.

Thanks again for your interest…. I hope you rot in hell.

Sincerely,
Asshole

Please do not reply to this e-mail because I don’t care.


So next time you get another one of those rejection letters, you know exactly what they are really saying. Good luck on the search!

Illini Football

This past Saturday, I put on my Illini jersey and got ready to watch the Illinois Fighting Illini take on the Indiana Hoosiers. Illinois was 1-4 on the season heading into the game, and 0-2 in conference play. It is without a doubt one of the most disappointing seasons, but what else is new from a state that produced the sad play of the Chicago Cubs and White Sox. The Illini are only 2 years removed from a 9-3 Rose Bowl birth that had the entire campus going wild and the entire Illini team making it rain at CO's, with powerhouse recruiting classes and Jarred Fayson, a Florida transfer, ready to be the difference maker that they desperately needed. Illinois was projected to be be a sleeper in the Big 10 conference, and heralded as having one of the most explosive offenses in all of college football.

I mean, with all that talent on the field it seemed like a pretty reasonable projection right? It didn't matter that we only finished 5-7 last year, but it was just a hiccup in the Ron Zook era. With all our returning starters with another season of experience under their belt, it was time for all that talent to materialize. Juice was bound for a breakout senior year, Rejus Benn was a first team all-american, Fayson was our new difference maker, and the rest of the Illini were bound to contend for the Big 10... or so it seemed.

However, after getting absolutely embarrassed by Missouri and then shut out by Ohio St, I figured it could only get better from there right? I mean, it was Illinois homecoming, which meant we could at least muster up enough adrenaline to beat Michigan St. right? No. Instead, we made Kurt Cousins look like Tom Brady on the field as he carved up the Illini defense, and yet another disappointing performance by our "high powered" offense. Sorry but last time I checked, dump downs and screen passes to our RBs don't exactly count as high powered.

So that brought me to this week.... reluctantly I had my Illini jersey on and watching the Illini-Indiana game. Indiana was the only team in the cellar of the Big 10 with us, and many people saying the ONLY team worse than the Illini. This was the game, I figured... our break out game that would get us out of this funk. Instead, we let Indiana QB Ben Chappell (who?!) throw for 333 yards and 3 TD's and Indiana took advantage of a bunch of Illinois miscues to win convincingly, 27-13. This made me question my loyalty to Illini football... so I had to dig deep to figure out why they suck so bad. This is what I came up with...

Juice Williams- You're supposed to be the leader of this football team, you're the engine that makes this machine run... yet you continue to disappoint us week in and week out. Seriously, how did you regress so much from year to year? Remember when you threw for close to 500 yds in last year's Missouri game? This year you got benched. Cool man. You no longer run with the same passion you used to and you have buttery hands worse than me. What's with the fumbles? Every time we have a glimmer of hope to get back into a game, you fumble the ball or throw a pick. I don't know what goes through your huge head, and I mean HUGE head - if you've ever seen Juice, his head is abnormally large- but turnovers are killer for any team, especially a struggling one like us. Time to get benched and look toward the future, but too bad Eddie McGhee looks like a crack addict so the future does not look much better anyway. Good luck living in Rantoul for the rest of your life and being an Illini legend that could have been but never was.

Rejus Benn- So much potential and I respect you so much for coming to an up and coming program instead of an already established one. You basically put Illini football on the map, and we thank you for that. It's not your fault that you have big head throwing you passes which have only amassed for 22 receptions for 222 yards and 0 TDs... yes 0 TDs. Hardly 1st team all-american numbers. You were projected to catch 10-12 TD passes this season, but now it looks like the only thing you're catching is Swine flu. Do yourself a favor and bolt for the NFL next year, just pray you don't get drafted by the Raiders or Rams or else you'll have another inept QB throwing you the ball.

Jarred Fayson- still unproven but after so much hype, you really seem like a bust. Again, doesn't help that big head is your QB, but I would just like to ask you what you were thinking leaving Tim Tebow for Juice? I mean, even if you didn't get playing time, it was Tim Tebow! He's like a God among men, you should have just stayed on the team to be in his presence. Good choice bro.

Illini Defense- You guys are so bad, I think the Champaign Centennial team could put up good numbers against you guys. Martez, I know you got stabbed and all in the off season... but cmon dude you were the #1 recruit coming out of high school and you were supposed to step into the MLB role this season to replace past Illini legends like J Leman, Dick Butkus, etc. The only thing that's clear to me though is that you will never have the toughness of Butkus, and obviously will NEVER have the sweet hair like J Leman. Our DB's wouldn't even be able to cover a receiver in a wheelchair, let alone contend in the Big 10. I mean, you're letting the no-name Indiana QB put up career numbers on you, what would Colt McCoy or other elite QBs do to you? It would look like a scrimmage. Pathetic.

Ron Zook- There's not doubt that you're a great recruiter, but if that's true then you must absolutely suck at coaching. You have so much talent, but have never taken them to their fullest potential. Maybe it's your raspy voice, but you just don't seem to be generating much response from your players. Your devotion to Juice has made me question whether or not there's more going on behind the scenes... it's only fitting that both of you will be out of a job together. Recently, you said that "5 years ago, nobody cared about Illini football." Not exactly a smart comment when you're job is already in question and you've lost the support of Illini nation. The fact is, however, programs create die-hard fans by being good, by winning games, something that you have not done with the exception of one season. That was an irrogant comment that will sure to piss off a lot of ppl, and with your most recent loss, it's evident that if this program wants to go to the next level, it will have to be with out you. There's no doubt that your days in Champaign are numbered. You're out like CO's... thanks for the memories!

You couldn't even pay me to go to an Illini game these days, and I would most certainly not pay money to see the sad team we put on the field every week. The schedule doesn't look like it's getting any easier with match ups with Michigan and non-conference Cincinnati coming up. I have a feeling it's gonna get even uglier for the Illini before it gets better... my prediction 3-9. The only thing the Illini faithfuls have to look forward to now is the powerhouse recruiting classes that should put the Illini basketball program back on top... but this is an all too familiar storyline that I've seen before.

I-L-L... I-N-I!!

Picks of the Week 10/17

Saturday, October 17th
Ohio St. -13.5 at Purdue
BYU -17 at San Diego St.

Sunday, October 18th
Philly -14 at Oakland

I'm sorry for the awful picks I gave this week... I actually finished with an above .500 record this week, but for some reason chose 3 awful losses to post. Feel free to e-mail me at any time for my other picks... guarantee next week will be different.

Hottest Eva Debate

After my last post, there were a lot of people telling me that I forgot Eva Longoria. Yes, she is smoking hot and I'm sorry that I forgot to include her... I forgot she was Hispanic. However, others argued that Eva Longoria is hotter than Eva Mendes, who was on my list. This is been debated before, but with no results. Here's our chance to settle this once and for all.

Eva Mendes

Eva Longoria

Which Eva is Hotter?

Hispanic Heritage Month

October is Hispanic Heritage Month which means cities like Miami and Carpenterville (home to my high school) are celebrating like it’s Cinco de Mayo. So in leau of this month… I’ve decided to put together a list of the coolest and most influential Hispanics. I could have gone the easy route and put the likes of Sonia Sotomayor or other Hispanic political figures…. But I hate politics and these are the coolest and most influential to me.

George Lopez- Not sure why but when I think of Hispanic I think of George Lopez. He’s a stand up comedian and actor that stars in his self-titled show George Lopez. I’m not gonna lie, I’m not sure what else he has done, but he’s a funny dude.

Mario Lopez- aka AC Slater. This guy made the mullet cool and he patented the sitting on chairs backwards. He gave meaning to being a jock and is the main reason why jocks make fun of nerds. What little Latino child didn’t wanna be AC Slater when they grew up? His only downside was dating Jesse Spano… she was a freak... but everybody knew he was screwing around with Kelly Kapowski on the side while Zack was butt pumping Screech. If you didn't see that happening, you're a idiot cuz AC Slater ALWAYS got the hottest chicks.

Marc Anthony- This guy looks like skeletor yet he has dated some of the most beautiful women in the world. He even cheated on the former Miss Universe with a Miami waitress! Dude, you were married to the most beautiful women IN THE UNIVERSE! And you still cheated on her! I'm not sure if that's cool or just moranic... but now he’s married to J.Lo… how does he do it?!

Christiano Ronaldo- Dubbed the sexiest man in the world, this guy is a global playboy. He is, arguably, the best soccer player in the world and was recently bought from Manchester United for 80 million Euros! When he’s not playing soccer, he’s an underwear model and parties with the likes of Paris Hilton and other hot celebrities. He is God in his native Portugal… easily the coolest Hispanic on this list.

Pedro from Napolean Dynamite- One of the most memorable quotes from the movie: "Well, when I came home from school my head started to get really hot. So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing. So I laid in the bathtub for a while, but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my head hot. So I went into my kitchen and I shaved it all off. I don't want anyone to see." Vote for Pedro!

Emilio Estevez- aka Gordon Bombay, the Minnesota Miracle Man from the Mighty Ducks. Of course, Emilio has had many bigger roles, perhaps the Breakfast Club, but I only remember him leading Charlie, Goldberg, Adam Banks, and the rest of the Ducks to a gold medal against team Iceland. I hated those guys! EMILIOOOOO

Sammy Sosa- There could have been many baseball players on this list since 99% of the Major Leagues is Hispanic (just look at the White Sox lineup), but I put Sammy Sosa on the list because this guy cheated baseball so bad, that it’s just hilarious. As if steroids weren’t bad enough, using a corked bat and being caught is even funnier. His hop step and kiss and chest pounds after each home run were so unneeded and only made him look like a dousche bag. Sammy, you’re on this list for being the biggest idiot.

Mexican that got me through Spanish Class- Thank you.

Julio Costa- Cuz he used to hook you up at CO’s and the only person that likes to bet as much I do. Enough said...

Sexiest Hispanic Women… These women need no explanation and are some of the sexiest women in the world

Shakira- Her hips don’t lie.

Adriana Lima

Eva Mendes

So to you all, I say Gracias!

Nip/Tuck

Tonight is the season premier of Nip/Tuck Season 6 at 9 pm central time on FX.

Nip/Tuck is one of the most provocative shows on television about the plastic surgeons of McNamara/Troy. However, I'll admit that it has never lived up to the hype since season 3 with the Carver, but nonetheless, it has still been a great show worth your time.

In case you've missed out... Last season, everybody's idol Christian was diagnosed with breast cancer and he believed he was dying. However, I knew this couldn't have been true since the show would be nothing with out him and his countless sexcapades. To my dismay, he asked his long time assistant Liz to marry him and she accepted. However, in the last scene of the season Christian learned that his cancer is actually in remission, which leaves us asking ourselves what he will do now that he's married to that disgusting lesbian? Other plots... A vulnerable Sean entered into a new romance with anesthesiologist Teddy Rowe (Katee Sackhoff) and adult-film mogul Ram Peters (best porn name ever, played by John Schneider) left a devastated Kimber for Eden Lord (AnnaLynne McCord, so hot!). And Julia, well who cares cuz nobody likes her anyway.

So what can we expect from this season?

Courtesy of FXnetwork.com... As season 6 begins, Sean and Christian struggle to keep McNamara/Troy thriving in a failing economy and turn to another plastic surgeon to attain additional income through a new cosmetic procedure for women. After learning the truth about Christian's true marital intentions and his cancer recovery, a heartbroken and furious Liz sues him for divorce. Matt and Kimber seek new, separate career paths with little support, much frustration and mixed results. Sean remains disillusioned and somewhat distant from Teddy (now played by Rose McGowan), despite their seemingly flourishing relationship.

Sounds like it could get interesting, and one thing is for sure... there will be plenty of hot chicks and sex. I'm thinking it's time Christian drops that lesbo and returns to his old self that everybody loved.

FX is easily one the best channels on TV and home to many of my favorite shows such as Nip/Tuck, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Rescue Me, and soon to be the League (a show about fantasy football... brilliant.) I suggest you watch any of these shows, I guarantee you won't be disappointed.

Tip Me Bitch

If you don't know already, on my day's off I help out at the family restaurant and take deliveries. Not exactly the ideal job, but it is the family business and I gotta help out when needed. After several months of doing this, I've discovered that delivery driver's are constantly shit on by people, myself included in the past, and for all of you people that have ever not tipped a driver, you are an asshole.

When I was in college, there were countless times that my friends and I would order DP Dough or any various places from my last post and get it delivered. When you're ordering for a big group, collecting money is always a bitch. Everyone will give you exact change, which leaves the person actually giving the money to the driver seem like a huge dick. Why should it be that person's responsibility to pay a few extra bucks for tip? You've all been in this position before. On a college budget, I would always say fuck that I'm not doing it. The emo Jimmy John's delivery driver would hand me the food and I'd give him the cash which usually included 40 cents extra and I'd shut the door as fast as possible. Even worse, sometimes I'd have to sign the credit card slip without adding a tip and basically start running up the stairs before the driver noticed. Oh trust me, they always do.

Now, it's a role reversal. Often times I get the credit card slip with no tip written in or I'll get exact change. I am very polite when I go to the door, I always bullshit the customer by complementing their hideous house or playing with their smelly dog. I'll pretend I'm a fan of whatever sports team they have on the TV or I'll play with their ugly little kid. I'm the king of bullshitting, which amazes me even more when I get stiffed. I want to say to the customer, "excuse me you cheap asshole, is this a fucking joke? You can't even spare an extra dollar to cover the gas it took me to get here because you're a lazy piece of shit and couldn't pick up the food yourself?" But since it's the family business, I don't. I just smile. However, behind that smile, I'm thinking I want to steal the bike from their garage on my way out or step on their flower bed. That would make them reconsider being cheap next time.

Some people will argue that the driver gets the delivery charge that is added to your bill, which is true, but that is really a charge for your laziness. You're the one that doesn't want to step into the bitter cold or drenching rain, it's not a tip.

So the next time you order out and get it delivered, think of me and cut the guy a break. Nothing makes me more happy when I get a $5 or $10 tip to show their appreciation for the trouble. Even a couple bucks makes a difference.

Drunk Eating

We often times wake up with regrettable decisions from the night before... some people wake up next to a beastly fat chick next to them, some are reminded of their embarassing actions/dance moves at the bar, and others are the nightly wrappers of whatever drunk food you ate the night before. For me, it's the latter. If you're anything like me, you can't resist the late night munchies after getting shitfaced with friends. The temptations of late night foods always overtake your earlier pledges to not do it... but when you're leaving the bar at 2 a.m. and making that brutal trek back to your place, it's hard to ignore those neon signs, the yelling of the hot dog guy, or the alluring smells of deliciousness.

This past weekend in Champaign made me realize how much I miss Champaign, not just for the uninhibited lack of morals and binge drinking that it entails, but mainly for the boundless spots to drunk eat afterwards. Here's my list of the top ten places to visit after a long night of drinking...

#10 Gumby's- I never really fell into the whole Pokey Stix craze that most UofI freshman fall into, but I can't deny... the pokey stix were unbelievable. Even the giant XXL box that they offer was never enough... they would undoubtedly be devoured by a room of friends within minutes of arrival. All sauces are a must.

#9 Bonnie Jean's- This was my go-to as a freshman living at Bromley. It was so close and I could never resist the lures of those giant slices of pizza covered in red pepper and parmesan cheese. 2 slices for $4? I'll take 4, please. It's gone through multiple name changes since I was first there, but somethings never change about that place... the freak emo workers and the delicious pizza.

#8 La Bamba- Always too far for me when I was drunk, but well worth it when I actually did make it all the way over there. Easily the best Mexican food when drunk... Burritos the size of your head just sound too tempting when you're hammered and the super nachos are loaded with regrettable decisions. Only downside is the aftermath that follows the next morning... but no one thinks about repercussions of actions when you're drunk.

#7 Jimmy John's - Quick and easy and delicious... what more could you ask for when you're drunk. It's slightly more healthy (I think?) compared to everything else in my top 10 and it is certainly more tasty than Silver Mine, who barely made my honorable mention list only because it was the closest place to my beloved CO's. JJ, however, is clearly the best sandwich shop in Champaign, and the #1 spot for novice drunk eaters. Once you step up to the big boys, you'll realize that everything below on this list is much greasier aka better when you're drunk.

#6 Hot Dog Vendor- This might not be in everybodies top 10, but I love this guy. He's like the non BCS team that makes the top 10 in college football... the total uunderdog. However, if you've ever eaten from this guy, his food is delicious. His hot dogs might possibly be the best in town, but his best product is, hands down, the tamale boat. If you haven't had this, then you haven't lived.

#5 Antonio's- Always a zoo after bar close, but since I never lived at Green St. Towers in my time in Champaign, I never fully appreciated Antonio's for all it was worth. The had such a great variety of pizzas that even the most picky person could enjoy it. My personal favorite was the quesadilla pizza or the one with the tri colored tortellini on top. You know what I'm talking about...

#4 Prime Time Pizza- Another one of my favorites, but it was ousted out of my top 3. In my opinion, this was the best pizza in town. Even when sober, the deep dish pizza from PTP was comparable to any chicago style deep dish I have ever eaten. The calzones were amazing and generously priced. Italian Beef Calzones were ordered at least once a week my senior year. I felt like I personally knew the delivery driver's by name. This is another must have when visiting Champaign.

#3 Niro's- The busiest place on campus once 2 a.m. hits and for good reason. If you went to UofI, then you've drunk ate at Niro's before, no doubt about it. So many great things to choose from, but my go-to's are usually the cheese fries, mozz sticks, and the chicken caesar pita. That sounds like an absurd amount of food to eat in once sitting, but trust me... it can be done. When I'm feeling really ballsy I'll go with a double plate gyro and some chicken fingers as well... There have been countless mornings that I've woken up to the sickening sight of oil soaked brown paper bags on the table and you know you have too...

#2 D.P. Dough- 3 words... Ranch. Buffer. Zone. This was almost my #1, cuz it's always my go-to when I'm drunk and hungry... but I remember how often times when you called at 2 a.m. for delivery, the wait was often ridiculous... I'm talkin an hour or more. Cmon, when I'm drunk and starving, I'm not looking to wait an hour. But when I did, the calzones from D.P. Dough were well worth it. Unlike many of the other places on my list... I'd eat it when I was sober.

#1 Merry Ann's- This was a no brainer for me. Merry Ann's has the best drunk food and the best drunk atmosphere, hands down. Nothing beats a diner stack smothered in gravy or an omelet with a side of hash browns and/or corned beef. It's been a staple for drunk UofI students for decades and as far as I'm concerned, I will be drunk eating here for many years to come when I visit. The service is exceptional, and Mary (all the workers at Merry Ann's are named Mary, as Curt once told me) is the best. Even the fat lady (fat Mary) that sits at the cash register never changes! Of course, the only downside is getting there when you're drunk, but there have certainly been countless excursions to Merry Ann's that we've defied the impossible to get there. Didn't matter if we had to play rock, paper, scissors to decide who was the most sober to drive, or if we went there after a long night of work... the food was exceptional every time.

Honorable Mention: Zorba's (Gyro's a hidden wonder), Qdoba, SilverMine, Giovanti's

A top 10 list of city spots to drunk eat is coming soon, but I haven't had enough time to try enough places. Currently taking suggestions...

I.F.H.M.

Since everyone is already talking about the CO's video on youtube, I figured I'd harp on something that I'm sure everyone can agree upon. Mondays suck. Monday's are no doubt the worst day of the week. You just spent the last few nights drinking yourself stupid to forget about the miserable work week you had, and Mondays are another constant reminder that life sucks for you and you have to do it all over again.

It all starts when you wake up. Your alarm beeps and you know it's time. "5 a.m?! Is this a fuckin joke?!" you ask, but it never is. You're waking up extra early to get that morning work out in before work, but the lures of a couple more minutes of shut eye tell you to fuck yourself. So, if you're anything like me, you'll push the snooze button 3 or 4 times but that 10 minutes just seems like 10 seconds... well worth it. The air is so cold now that it is almost impossible to get out from under the warmth of your comforter let alone get into the shower. It's pitch black out as if it was nigthtime rather than the morning. It's almsot cruel. I'll try to not to open my eyes for as long as possible so I've gotten most of my morning routine memorized by now... I can drag myself out of bed, brush my teeth, pee, and get into the shower all with my eyes closed... pretty impressive I know.

I'm always looking like shit on Mondays and forgetting shit because I can't remember where I left everything from the weekend. For example, I couldn't find any of my stuff for work this morning (like my pass to get into my building, my watch, etc, etc.) so I jsut said fuck it. I couldn't find my bag with my cologne, hair product, etc, so I said fuck that too. I look like shit right now, but it's fine cuz it's Monday and so does everyone else.

Now, I'm at work and I've already decided that I'm not gonna do anything porductive the entire day because... well, because it's Monday. There's always a time throughout my day when my mind tells itself it is gonna shut down and be worthless, and on monday's that time starts earlier than usual... much earlier. Every minute that goes by is just another minute closer to being able to go home and laying down, and waiting for the one good thing about Mondays... Monday night Football. Once again, there is a god and he is a football fan.

Check out this video... it pretty much sums up Mondays for all of us. Hilarious.

I.F.H. MONDAY'S from Nick Swardson

Cedric Benson

The Cincinnati Bengals are the feel good story of the NFL this year, which is great because I love Carson Palmer and Chad Ocho Cinco is hilarious. After all, he did legally change his last name to his number in Spanish. However, these guys are not the biggest reason for their success- Cedric Benson is. Yes, Cedric Benson, the former Chicago Bears Running Back, has more rushing yards than elite RB's like Adrian Peterson and Chris Johnson this season.

Cedric Benson was drafted #4 overall by the Bears in the 2005 draft, and his lackluster achievements on the field resulted in the most frustrating and disappointing seasons in recent history. Him and Rex Grossman combined was like watching a blind kid and a cripple trying to run an offense.

He joined a long list of former Bears’ high draft picks that dominated in college and entered the season with high expectations. He never lived up to his lofty draft status and giant paycheck. Like Curtis “P” Enis and Rashan Salaam(y), Benson was a bust. He should consider himself lucky that he doesn’t have a retarded name like the other two. His best year with the Chicago Bears accumulated only 647 yards with more fumbles than TDs, and now he’s on pace for 1500 yards this season? Is this guy on steroids? In Chicago, Benson smoked pot like it was steroids but obviously didn’t see the same results. Seriously, this guy seemed like he was high 100% of the time.

Cedric Benson was said to be a “big” back that used his size to barrel through defenders, but really he showed that by “big” back… that just means fat back. He was slow and couldn’t break a tackle if his life depended on it. If you watched the Bears, then you‘ve seen his atrocious running style. He lowered his head and ran into the pile or he fell down from arm tackles. This was the guy we traded away Thomas Jones for?

You’d think that the Bears had enough reason to get rid of this piece of shit, but no… Cedric Benson thought he should give them at least one more. Benson was charged with boating while intoxicated and resisting arrest. Allegedly, Benson's boat was boarded during a random check and he supposedly failed a field sobriety test. After Benson initially refused to come to land for further testing and refused to wear a life vest, he was sprayed with pepper spray. Sounds like something that would happen at Bomb night at CO’s.

"They gave me a field sobriety test, told me to say my ABCs and told me to count from 1 to 4 up and down," Benson said. I’d be willing to bet that Benson couldn’t even do this when he was sober, so I would pay to watch him try when he was hammered. Seriously Cedric? I understand that the ABCs may be a little difficult for you, but you couldn’t even count from 1-4? Check out his mug shot from the arrest…

To make things worse, he pulled a Milton Bradley before he was finally traded…. He blamed his performance on the fans and he even told the fans to “go fuck themselves.” Awesome man.

Now this guy is leading the NFL in rushing yards and another former Bears outcast, Kyle Orton (minus the neck beard) have their teams at 4-1 and 5-0, respectively. What is this world coming to…

Picks of the Week 10/10

Instead of putting all my bets... here's what I think are the best plays for the weekend.

IL/Michigan St. Under 54
Houston/Arizona Over 50

Upset pick of the week: Atlanta +2.5 at San Francisco

SNF Pick: Indy -4 at Titans

Picks were 2-1, but would have been 3-0 if it weren't for a bullshit goal line stand on the 1 yd line in the Houston/Arizona game. Stay updated for my picks... I'm riding a hot streak.

Lucky Guys

If you watch Entourage, it's hard to believe that Turtle is dating Jamie Lynn Siegler aka Meadow Soprano in the show. To my utter amazement, I found out that they are actually dating in real life! This was shocking to me, in part because of jealousy, but also just the fact that she's beautiful and he's, well, Turtle. This made me think of all the ridiculously mismatched couples there are and a few big name come to mind. Don't act like you've never thought of this before...

Seal and Heidi Klum... I think about this every time any girl turns on Project Runway. Seriously, how hot is Heidi Klum... a swedish supermodel... and how hideous is Seal? Yes, he sang "a Kiss from a Rose," a classic, but that was like 15 years ago! And he looks like he got in a fight with a cat that tried to claw his eyes out. And his name is Seal... as in a fat blubbery sea animal. Well done.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green... She must have watched a shit load of 90210 back in the day cuz I feel like this was one of those typical "girl has crush on tv show actor" scenarios until she actually got to meet him... and this lucky guy was like "Whoa, this hot chick actually thinks I'm not a dousche?" An angel basically fell into his lap... that's the only explanation.

Marissa Miller and this guy... I don't even know who this guy is, but he's dating arguably the hottest Victoria Secret Model ever. Look at this dude's hair, is that serious? I'm not even mad, I'm impressed that this guy got her.

Padma from Top Chef and this guy… how funny of a couple is this? Not only is Padma ridiculously hot- I’m pretty sure you can see her nipples in this dress- but she loves food! That’s like my dream… and she used to be married to this guy?! Apparently she divorced him once she made it big and found out she could do much better, but just the fact that this guy got to sleep with her at least once makes him my idol. Yes, this guy.

There's many more, but these came to mind. Call me ignorant or just plain jealous, but even you have to admit that you would do a double take if you saw these couples walking hand in hand. I guess I should have paid more attention to the underlying theme from Beauty and the Beast...

These people aren’t famous, but here are a couple other mismatched couples to laugh at courtesy of douchebagswithhotchicks.com … Hilarious that they have an entire website dedicated entirely to this. Brilliant.

Marge

Some medium shirts fit perfect, while others are too snug. Some large shirts fit fine, while others are way too big. I've been in this predicament for months now, and it's becoming very frustrating. Others know what I am talking about, as this has been a topic of conversation many times. The general consensus... why not have an in-between size called the Marge (medium + large). Problem solved.

This made me think of the little kid size, "husky." Husky is just a nice word for clothing size so you don't have to call your kid fat. I was a husky kid. Never a fat kid.

For the past 8 months, I've had to retire some of my favorite shirts, and there were times that I've had to change shirts because I could barely raise my arms. Just picture me dancing and singing, "fat man in a little shirt." At times, people would tell me that my button ups were showing too much chest, but truthfully, that top bottom couldn't button without me feeling like I was wrapped in ceran wrap. I didn't want to be that guy wearing ridiculously tight shirts, I know many that do, so I remember the day I graduated to the large. This transition has been difficult, cuz all my larges seem to differ in length and width. Some seem to be made for marginally large people, while others for the extremely large people. What do I do now?

So if you're a shirt company (perhaps Hanes, Fruit of the Loom, Calvin klein, etc) and you are reading my blog, which I highly doubt, you can have my business idea. You can even be innovative and come out with the smedium, or perhaps the extra marge for those refusing to hit the XL. Sounds reasonable, right?

WNBA

This post may come off as extremely sexist, and it is. Just a warning.

This is a great time of year because the MLB Playoffs are starting, NBA is having it's final tune ups, NHL just started, CFB every Saturday, and NFL every Sunday. In one month, it is the one time every year that all these sports will be happening at the same time. And oh yeah, the WNBA Finals are going on as well. How could I forget that?!

God told a joke once.... and it was women's basketball.

If anybody reading this post can name the 2 teams that are playing in the WNBA Finals right now, you win a prize. However, I highly doubt anybody can because, frankly, nobody cares. The WNBA is easily the biggest joke of a sport. I think even the players know it's a joke, however most of them were born far too manly for them to do anything else. It's the only sport that the best players in it routinely have to take meternity leaves during the prime of their careers. Chamique Holdsclaw, one of few WNBA players I have heard of, had to leave for 2 years to bear children. She came back and was never the same. I guess pushing out a child really takes away that first step.

It's the only sport that highlight reels consist of crossovers or layups. I swear, I watched a game once and they were in shock when one of the women crossed another over and made a layup. That happens in the NBA too, it's called a routine play... and happens almost every play.

Same goes for the dunk. I was actually in the gym at my high school, when Candace Parker became the first women to ever dunk the basketball. Yes, I was there... but only because my friends and I wanted a good laugh. And that dunk... it wasn't even a dunk. It was more of a layup and then she pulled the rim down.

It's the only sport that 90% of the athletes in it are lesbians. People will say that this is not true, but cmon... we all know it is.

Some people might argue that women's basketball is more fundamentally sound... meaning they can shoot, pass, and play defense better. You know what I say to that? BORING! If I had to watch an entire of league of Tim Duncan aka "the big fundamental" then I'd shoot myself.

I know it might not be fair to compare men to women in sports because that's like comparing apples to oranges, but I'd really like to see how a male would perform in the WNBA. I've seen Juwanna Mann, I know it would be no competition.

Another personal story... in middle school, I watched a women's basketball game between Westfield and Huntley with the final score being 52-0. No, that's not a typo, it was shutout. IN BASKETBALL.

The women's game that consists of painted nails, done up hair, and fundamentally sound basketball just doesn't appeal to me... sorry if I've offended anybody.

Bodies We Want

While at work today, I did what I do best... surf the web. I check out my favorite teams on ESPN, creep on facebook, research my weekend bets, etc.... but today, I came across a really interesting article from ESPN.com. In this month's issue, they are focusing on athlete's bodies in a "Bodies We Want" issue focusing on what makes up a super athlete. The pictures in this gallery are amazing... check them out here at ESPN.

This article reminded me of the Adrian Peterson commercial... unbelievable. This ESPN article really shows how much work it takes to maintain such perfect bodies and shows why professional athletes of any sport excel at what they do.

Dwight Howard and Adrian Peterson, that's not even human. Manny Pacquiao- 3000 sit ups per day and 8 mile runs- ridiculous. Byambajar Ulambayar- a sumo wrestler that can do the splits- hilarious... I'd love to see that.

I have a hard enough time forcing myself to get on a treadmill, let alone any of the training regimens detailed in this article... no wonder why I don't look like these people.

Introducing Mr. Hudson

Gym Culture

I just got back from the gym, and I couldn't help but notice the different type of people I regularly see. You guys know what I'm talking about...

The Meathead- these guys live for the gym. They're the guys you always see day or night, and they often make me wonder if they even have jobs.. I mean how could it be humanly possible to work out so much? They are the abnormally tan guys drinking a protein shake in the locker room and flexing into the mirror. They're thinking, "oh yea, you look good." Sweet man. They wear little muscle T's so everyone can see how jacked they are and, without a doubt, are always sporting a weightlifting belt, wrist straps, and another shake in hand. My favorite is when they wear skull caps... haha you look like a roided up Corey Mathews. Even sweeter man. They ogle themselves in front of the mirrors, lift their shirts up to expose their stomachs for no apparent reason, and high-five each other and call each other "bro". You can usually find them by following the grunts as they attempt to show that they are the alpha male.

Gym Babes- there's always girls at the gym that obviously have no business being there. These girls clearly spent way to much money on their work out outfit, which almost always consist of ridiculously tight pants to show off their ass and a tank top showing way too much cleavage to even emit the possibility of getting a good workout in. These girls smell way too good to prove that they are not exerting any effort, and sorry babe, that ab/butt machine doesn't really constitute as an exercise. Just keep talking and let everyone else stare at your ass. Thanks.

Meat tits- Not Mulligan, but the scary/repulsive chicks that are lifting more than men. The always wear nothing more than sports bras and short shorts to show how manly, I mean chiseled, their bodies are. Do these girls think this is attractive? They seem to always be buddy buddy with the all the meatheads (see above). Their boobs may be mistaken for pecs, and I wouldn't be surprised if I saw something resembling a package in their pants.

The Guy/Girl with the cell phone- This always cracks me up. Every time, there is always one person that brings their cell phone with them to the work out area... I can see right through the business-like nature you are trying to portray and see your true douscheness. Oh, I'm sorry... I didn't know you were so important that your friends can't wait to talk to you. Phone call while on the treadmill? No problem for them. Text message while lifting? They'll just text back with the other hand. Really seems like you're working hard....

The Biggest Loser- I won't make fun, because I'm in fear that I may end up in this category sooner rather than later... especially at the rate I'm going. Many times, fat people are embarassed to be seen working out with little results so they go late at night... usually past 11 pm. This is the best time to go to see freaks at the gym. However, respect for getting your asses off the couch and to the gym. Where's Bob and Jillian when you need them?

There's Always Next Year

The season for the Chicago Cubs ended yesterday, in the same fashion the rest of their season went... in a loss. After an offseason of big moves, expectations were higher than ever to break the 101 year curse. The lovable losers were loaded and everyone thought "this was the year."

Instead, the Cubs are packing up their lockers and headed on Vacation in October again... at least this time they weren't swept in the first round. I'm not sure what's worse... painfully watching the Cubs struggle and underachieve for an entire season or watching the Cubs get embarassed in the Playoffs for 2 years straight.

But why did the Cubs suck so bad this year? Here's my take...

Cubs GM Jim Hendry's offseason moves to solidify their lineup blew up in his face. Getting rid of Mark Derosa and Kerry Wood and replacing them with Milton Bradley and Aaron Miles? Did he seriously think that would work? I won't lie, I was a huge Milton Bradley advocate in the beginning of the season, because I'm a die hard Cubs fan and I wanted him, and the team, to succeed. But even with this optimism, there was always a doubt in my mind and I knew I was just saying that without actually believing it. In the end, Bradley proved to be the true piece of shit that he is and even blamed the fans and the organization for his performance. If I could meet Bradley face to face, I'd do 2 things. 1) Ask him "Do you really believe that Cubs fan boo you because you're black?" Pulling the race card is a coward move, how about taking responsibility and saying "ok, I get it, I suck." After all, he finished batting .257 with 12 homers and 40 RBI's. IN THE 5 HOLE! Even Fukudome hit better than that and I'm pretty sure that Asian guy doesn't even know how to play baseball, not to mention he tries to screw himself into the ground every time he swings. The 2nd thing I'd do is punch him in the face. Then run. This would be to vent all my frustration out.


But it wasn't all milton's fault, he was just the scape goat. No one ever mentions Mike Fontenot (the lovable midget) or Aaron Miles, who were supposed to fill in at 2nd base and make up for DeRosa. They each had HORRIFIC seasons. Fontenot batted .236! People nicknamed him "little babe ruth," but last time I checked Babe Ruth had astronomical numbers and he played drunk half the time! Aaron Miles hit .185 with 5 RBI's!! I'm convinced these guys couldn't even make it in the little league world series... let alone start for the Cubs. And the season stats for Mark DeRosa, the guy the Cubs thought they could replace? .250, 23 HR, 78 RBI. FOR THE CARDINALS! Please, for the love of God, bring DeRosa back next season.

This one is my favorite. Alfonso Soriano. I love this guy, but I often ask myself "Why?" Does this guy even know how to play baseball? A blind kid could play left field defense better than him. You know what, probably hit better too. Soriano has done great things for this franchise, but his season (.241, 20 HR, 55 RBI) was pitiful and difficult to watch. How come nobody knew he couldn't hit off speed stuff when we signed him for a billion dollars? And more importantly, why can't he just lay off those breaking balls? or why can't he learn?! He just doesn't care. I wouldn't either if I was getting paid his salary. Time to bench him and make Jake Fox our every day LF.

Kevin Gregg, you are also responsible for this shit pile that we call the Cubs. You're goggles are a joke. And do you really think you're fooling anybody with that fast ball? Nothing is more demoralizing than a blown save and you crushed this team from having any hope. If I met you, I'd break your goggles. Get out of town, buddy.

Geovani Soto... rookie of the year last year and a catalyst for the Cubs having such a dynamic offense. Then he get's caught smoking pot during the WBC and gains about 25 lbs in the offseason, and then gets benched for Koyie Hill (who can't hit if his life depended on it). Dude, lay off the rice and beans this offseason and work hard for a change. Get back in shape and play with the passion you did as a rookie. Please.

Last but not least, does anybody else think Lou Piniella has a case of dementia? He doesn't even care anymore that his team is underachieving. When people ask him about it, he just speaks like a stroke victim and mumbles out something along the lines of "I just put together a lineup of whoever they give me, what else do you want me to say?" Um, ok... I hope your motivational speeches are a little more inspiring than that. Can you imagine this guy giving a pregame pep talk? How does the Riot hold back from laughing? and Fukudome clearly doesn't understand a word he's saying. Can this old man and bring in Bob Brenley. He'll rejuvanate this clubhouse in a way no 95-year-old can. See ya Lou!

The Cubs face another long off season. I've been a Cubs fan all my life, but I can't handle another season of such an inept product on the field. It's time to make changes and if we don't, we'll be saying "Next year" in 2010.

Until then, thank God for the Bears...