Thanksgiving Time...

It's thanksgiving time, which to me means a shit load of food... turkey, pumpkin pie, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, all that goodness. If you're thinking to yourself, "but Jeff, you are Chinese, you don't celebrate Thanksgiving" then you are fucking wrong. I love thanksgiving and I celebrate the shit out of it. Only difference is my turkey might be cooked with soy sauce. You haven't lived till you have a Chinese thanksgiving...

But that's not all that comes to mind during Thanksgiving time.... I also think about Canned Food Drives. Why you ask? Seriously, how many emails, flyers, commercials, etc. have you seen promoting local canned food drives for the poor? At my gym, at my favorite restaurant, even at local bars... they are accepting canned foods for the poor. Real nice gesture, but who was the fucking genius that thought of these drives and neglected the fact that if these people are too poor for canned goods... how in the world are they going to afford a can opener?!?

Yep, ladies and gentlemen this has been a problem for decades for poor people all over the world. I would be pissed if I was a poor person and got a box full of cans dropped off. Have you ever tried to open a can without an opener?!? I have, it's damn near impossible, let alone dangerous. I've tried screwdrivers and knives, and the result has never been pretty. You get jagged edges that only let the juices out but not the good stuff and you also have sharp utensils flying all over the place, nearly hitting the eyes/face/other extremeties. Great, last thing I want is for poor people to be losing limbs trying to open canned goods.

Not to mention what a tease you are bestowing upon the poor. Here's some food, good luck opening that shit! If I was poor, I would punch the donation guy and steal his wallet for my own food. Fuck the cans I'd say. It's like giving a blind person a book or a parapeligic a basketball. It just doesn't work.

I'm gonna open a can opener drive for poor people... so if you have any extras let me know! Forget donating canned foods.... save your canned green beans, cambell's chicken noodle soup, or chunky beef stew... you're wasting your time! Don't even get me into Ramen Noodles... first of all, why the fuck are you donating them in the first place?! They are delicious! Second of all, Ramen noodles don't cook themselves!

I'd like to credit Dan Lee for this post, he brought this topic to my attention and as usual, it is both brilliant and hilarious. Thank you Dan for considering the poor!