Cankles

These heels look like they are about to break off...

So I was walking to the train after work the other day, and some giant assed lady in a hurry was stampeding her way through the crowd. She must have been on a mission, because she was huffing and puffing... so I'm assuming she was either late for her train or really really hungry. As I ducked to the side to avoid being hit by the truck, I couldn't help but notice one thing. Her cankles.

For those of you that don't know, cankles is a term referring to a fat pair of legs that have no defined end of the calf area as well as no defined beginning of the ankle to ultimately blend the two together... hence the term cankles... calf + ankles.

Really though, how funny are cankles? I challenge you to not laugh when you see a person with no definitive shape to their legs, someone who's calves go directly into their foot. Hilarious. Not to mention, the word alone is funny. I love combining two words to make one... for example fugly (fat + ugly), scrack (the area between your crack and scrotum, also called your taint or gooch), slore (slut + whore), Crasian (a crazy Asian), and many more. Hilariousness always ensues...

A chick can be completely gorgeous and have one downfall of cankles and she is ruined. She instantly turns herself into the "undatable" category for most guys, next to the freakishly tall and well, the middle eastern. I mean seriously, who's gonna wanna look at those all day? Not to mention guys don't want to worry whether or not their girlfriend can do more calf raises than them...

Some naive women want to believe that they have "strong" ankles... but sorry babe... those are cankles. Stop kidding yourselves and do some calf raises next time you're at the gym.... or don't and continue to provide amusement for everybody else. Just remember... they are laughing WITH you, not AT you.

Thanksgiving Time...

It's thanksgiving time, which to me means a shit load of food... turkey, pumpkin pie, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, all that goodness. If you're thinking to yourself, "but Jeff, you are Chinese, you don't celebrate Thanksgiving" then you are fucking wrong. I love thanksgiving and I celebrate the shit out of it. Only difference is my turkey might be cooked with soy sauce. You haven't lived till you have a Chinese thanksgiving...

But that's not all that comes to mind during Thanksgiving time.... I also think about Canned Food Drives. Why you ask? Seriously, how many emails, flyers, commercials, etc. have you seen promoting local canned food drives for the poor? At my gym, at my favorite restaurant, even at local bars... they are accepting canned foods for the poor. Real nice gesture, but who was the fucking genius that thought of these drives and neglected the fact that if these people are too poor for canned goods... how in the world are they going to afford a can opener?!?

Yep, ladies and gentlemen this has been a problem for decades for poor people all over the world. I would be pissed if I was a poor person and got a box full of cans dropped off. Have you ever tried to open a can without an opener?!? I have, it's damn near impossible, let alone dangerous. I've tried screwdrivers and knives, and the result has never been pretty. You get jagged edges that only let the juices out but not the good stuff and you also have sharp utensils flying all over the place, nearly hitting the eyes/face/other extremeties. Great, last thing I want is for poor people to be losing limbs trying to open canned goods.

Not to mention what a tease you are bestowing upon the poor. Here's some food, good luck opening that shit! If I was poor, I would punch the donation guy and steal his wallet for my own food. Fuck the cans I'd say. It's like giving a blind person a book or a parapeligic a basketball. It just doesn't work.

I'm gonna open a can opener drive for poor people... so if you have any extras let me know! Forget donating canned foods.... save your canned green beans, cambell's chicken noodle soup, or chunky beef stew... you're wasting your time! Don't even get me into Ramen Noodles... first of all, why the fuck are you donating them in the first place?! They are delicious! Second of all, Ramen noodles don't cook themselves!

I'd like to credit Dan Lee for this post, he brought this topic to my attention and as usual, it is both brilliant and hilarious. Thank you Dan for considering the poor!

The Killers - Hotel California

The Killers recently recorded a cover of the classic Eagles song 'Hotel California'. The track is for a 'Rhythms del Mundo Classics' album, which is an album of covers of famous songs with salsa vibe. I think I still prefer the original version by the Eagles, but the more I listen to the Killers version, the more I like it. As usual, lead singer Brandon Flowers voice is captivating throughout the song. Overall, it gets a thumbs up from me. Check it out...

I've seen the Killers 3 times in concert, and they have never disappointed. They are amazing live and I recommend seeing them if you ever get a chance. The stage lighting is mesmerizing and Brandon Flowers commands the stage and gets the crowd involved. Whether Flowers is jumping all over the stage or slowing it down with the piano, you can't get enough. Not to mention when the organs for Read My Mind and Human start to play or Killers classics from Hot Fuss and Sam's Town, everything is truly amazing.

If you don't want to shell out the $50 for tickets, the Killers recently recorded a CD/DVD set entitled "The Killers: Live From The Royal Albert Hall" at the prestigious 138 year old venue in London. The energy at this smaller venue is amazing and I wish I could have experienced it live. However, I just picked up the set and have been playing it on repeat. Go get it.

Here's a classic video for my friend, Dane...

The Killers-Read My Mind
Uploaded by vodka33. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

"Not So" Super Fans

We've all seen the freaks that go to sports games dressed in ridiculous outfits and making a fool of themselves for the sake of the team. I've seen it at high school basketball games to college basketball/football games and even in the pros.

I love sports just as much as the next person, but you're not gonna see me painting myself team colors and acting like a moron to show my school/team spirit. These freaks are commonly referred to as "SuperFans" but I like to call them "SuperFags." I hate Superfags because they annoy me when I'm trying to watch the game, and I know that they are nerds that, for a short amount of time, act like a fool to get attention and feel cool for once. Sorry to bust your bubble, but you are still a fag and you are not helping your team play better by painting your body and wearing a stupid wig.

I want to know if any normal people actually look at these "superfans" and think, man those guys are so cool. I seriously believe that the only people that think being a superfan is cool, is other superfags. Nothing turns on a superfan chick more than a obnoxious school spirited blue wigged freak... cool man. These "fans" only want to be noticed, even it means demeaning themselves to get a cheap laugh. In the end of the day, nobody likes you still.

There are many ways to be proud of your team and to show school/team spirit other than acting and dressing like an idiot. I prefer the team jersey or perhaps just plain old cheering. You can even add a home made sign or banner to show your school pride, just please make sure it doesn't say something cliche or gay like "Sportscenter is coming up next" or "It's my birthday! Put me on TV." If you do, you are clearly not there for the game. You can yell stuff to taunt the other team and try to make them miss free throws, in fact this is encouraged as you get more and more drunk at the game. All these things can be done to show team spirit without dressing like a freak and acting like an asshole.

Normal Fan

SuperFag

SuperFan

Not So Jolly

I've always thought that the fatter a person is, the more jolly they are. Afterall, that's the origin of the "jolly old fat man" that we all know and love during Christmas time. To me, fat people are like big Pillsbury doughboy's... they love to be poked in the stomach and give a little chuckle when you do it. This would be the scenario in the perfect world, but recently I have found out that's just not the case.

I know this post sounds extremely arrogant and mean, but I just want everyone to know I am extremely nice to fat people. I'm a little overweight myself. But I've had some bad experiences with fat people so as far as I'm concerned, you guys started it first.

First, a little background. In high school there was this kid... I won't name any names in case he some how stumbles upon my blog, I don't want any revenge directed my way (Billy Madison style)... this kid was fuckin giant and he was a huge douschebag. I would ask him to borrow a pencil because I forgot mine, and he would say no! Who says no?! Obviously this kid didn't like to share. He'd say it wasn't his fault I was irresponsible... and I remember looking at his oversized body fitting snug in those HS desks and thinking to myself, wow you are a fat asshole. He used to shove kids out of the way in the hall so his fat ass could fit through and would just be a giant prick, period.

But to present time, the other day I was running late for my train so I had to resort to the last seat next to this obese chick. She looked at me and told me I couldn't sit there... and I wanted to ask why the fuck not but in fear that she might eat me, I got up. She was a huge bitch to other people as well, not just me. She wasn't even saving the seat for anybody, her big ass just needed extra room. What a bitch. I had to take a picture of this chick... just look at her mean ass face while she's playing her Nintendo. If I didn't know any better I'd think there was food on that screen.

Misleading Facebook Pics

So you're creeping on facebook and you see this hot chick. Damn, you just got to meet her. She looks gorgeous in her facebook pic, but when you actually meet her and/or creep on her more, you realize she actually does not look anything like her profile pic and is in fact hideous. Yep, it's happened to all of us... just another case of the misleading facebook pic. God, I fucking hate that. Such a tease.

I don't understand why people do this. Do you think we wouldn't find out?! Um yea, apparently you thought I was gonna look at your other pics and think you (the hot chick I thought I was looking at) was actually behind the fat blob (that really turned out to be you). I don't think so.

This reminded me of a time during freshman year. My very good friend and I were dying to meet this one girl that lived in our dorm. Obviously coming into freshman year, we scoped out all the potential hot girls in advance on facebook. Judging from her facebook pic, which was a sexy pic of her while taking a shower (just the upper body, of course), she looked hot as hell. It helped that her pic showed a little bit of skin to leave room for the imagination. Of course, my friend and I hunted her down, only to find a whale. We couldn't believe our eyes that the two girls were the same. I thought I might have had to call the cops as this girl looked like she may have eaten the girl we were actually looking for. Perhaps a case of mistaken identity? Nope, it was her all right. Needless to say, we were pissed. I wanted to demand that she changed her pic so others wouldn't be tricked like I was.

Also, it doesn't count if you ONCE looked like the photo you have up. You may have put on a few lbs and still consider yourself sexy, but the rest of the world does not. It's called reality.

It's like answering an ad to buy a BMW, only to arrive to find a piece of shit Dodge. So do everybody and yourself a favor, if you dont look anything like your profile picture... then please change it. If you don't, you are entrapping students with your false appearance and wasting valuable creeping time. We don't appreciate it.

I could use plenty of examples from my own friend list, but I won't insult anybody I know. Here's one example I found online...

Facebook pic - looks pretty hot right?

Yep, same girl.

Not Cool.

Happy Veteran's Day!

So today is Veteran's Day... a day to honor all the men and women that have fought for us and protected us from the likes of pricks like Osama Bin Laden and Suddam Hussein. I hate those guys! I do appreciate all our veterans for serving and I want to thank them for keeping us safe. However, there is one former veteran that has a special place in my heart that I personally thanked this morning on my way to work.

His name is John and he lives on the Jackson St. Bridge just outside Union Station. John is a bum and sits in this exact place every day with a sign that reads "Former Military, now Homeless Please Help Me" with a little American flag attached to it. Yes, this sounds sad but I think John lives pretty comfortably because his change jar is always full and I figured if he wasn't making decent money begging at this location, then he would move. But he doesn't.

I have developed a nice relationship with John as I walk pass him every day to the train station. It started out with me buying him a donut every Friday after work. You're probably thinking, well that's very nice of you Jeff. But truthfully, Dunkin Donuts has a 2 for $1 deal and I can't resist getting a donut after a long week and my guilt doesn't allow me to eat the 2nd so I give it to John. That day, John ate that Pumpkin Spice donut like it was running away. This made me feel bad, so I started giving him my 2nd donut every Friday (never both). I'd often switch up the flavor... maybe a Chocalate Long John, a Boston Creme, or a Manager's Special if I had a good day. John started to expect it on Friday's and to my surprise, he introduced himself to me and thanked me a few weeks ago. He also added that he prefers the Chocolate Long John Donut. This made me laugh, but I said no problem.

Well in honor of Veteran's Day, this morning I bought John a sausage biscut with cheese from McDonald's. I've never seen a bum so happy in my life. I thought he was gonna hug me, but I resisted because God knows he hasn't showered in months. I have no idea whether or not he actually served in the Military as his sign claims, but John seems like a stand up guy and I thank him for patrolling that bridge everyday. Happy Veteran's Day, John.


Sorry that I don't have a picture of John... I will attempt to take one after work today with him and update this post. Maybe I'll bribe him with a donut for a photo op.

God Bless America!

College Basketball is Finally Here!

College basketball tips off tonight and I can barely hold back my excitement. There is no better sport than college basketball and this year is loaded with champion caliber teams. The Big Ten is loaded and finally has a chance to win the ACC/Big Ten Challenge and my beloved alma mater, Illinois, is finally back in the preseason top 25. I haven’t been this excited since the Dee Brown/Deron Williams days… I hope they don’t blow it like the football team. I will preview the Illini team in another post, but for now I just want to make note of several marquee games this year so you can all save the date.

December 1 Michigan St at UNC – I think the Big Ten actually has a shot at the ACC/Big Ten challenge this year, which makes this match up even more crucial than ever. Both teams are ranked in the top 5 and this could be a potential Final 4 preview. I can’t wait to see these perennial powerhouses go at it; it could be an instant classic.

December 5 UNC at Kentucky – I love this Kentucky team because it is so young and has so much potential and it is exactly like every Calipari team… straight thugs that love to run and gun and, surprisingly, play defense. I can’t wait to watch them mature throughout the year and if they can stay together long enough, which is highly unlikely, then they’ll win a national championship sometime in the next few years to come.

December 6 Kansas at UCLA – First real test for the top ranked Jayhawks, that is because I don’t think Memphis will be able to compete without Calipari. Kansas is everybody’s preseason pick to win it all, again, and I don’t see many obstacles along the way. I want to see what all the hype about Freshman phenom Xavier Henry is all about, and I have a feeling this will be the only year we’ll see him in a Jayhawk’s Jersey.

December 19 UNC vs. Texas – I love it that Texas did not go soft in the schedule, but instead they have it laden with tough match ups with potential championship caliber teams. This is a dream game that I would have never imagined other than in the finals, but now it’s only a month away!

December 9 Kentucky at UCONN – This is a tough game for Kentucky that comes only 4 days after they play UNC at home. Will such a young team be able to handle their emotions for 2 prime time games in such a short period? Just another step in the maturation process.

December 22 Texas vs. Michigan St – This is the year for the Big Ten to prove they can compete with the big boys and this is a statement game for us. Texas is loaded with talent and if Michigan St. can gut out a victory, it will put the Big Ten back on top.

January 2 Kentucky vs. Louisville – Patino vs. Calipari, battle of the Italian stallions for Italian supremacy. I’m not sure which will better, that talent on the court or both coach’s hair in this game… I know my friend Pete can’t wait to see these guys duke it out.

January 16 Michigan St at Illinois – This is the chance for the young Illini team to prove themselves against the perennial powerhouse of the Big 10. There’s no doubt that IL will be up and coming with ridiculous recruiting classes for years to come, so I can’t wait to watch the freshman class mature before our eyes in this game.

January 19 Purdue at Illinois – Another big game for the young Illini team, only 3 days after their big match up against MSU. Both are at home, where the Illini play good ball, so I’m eager to see if the young squad can keep up their emotions for back to back games.

January 23 Texas at UCONN – I love UCONN because they are so well coached by Jim Calhoun that they make every game worth watchinig. Although they no longer have the big gorilla, Thabeet, in the middle… they’re still a very talented squad with senior leadership. I’m picking them as one of my pre season sleepers so this is their chance to show off on the national stage.

February 8 Kansas at Texas – This is my preseason pick for the national championship game and we’re lucky enough to get a preview in early February! These could be the two deepest teams in the NCAA and both feature explosive freshman that will surely be the difference makers. This is one of the most anticipated games of the year, and there’s no way it will disappoint.

February 10 UNC vs. Duke – Does this even need any explanation? The best rivalry in sports… only 8 miles separate these schools which means always a ruckus crowd. The only person more excited for this game is Dick Vitale, who I think has a hard on for every Duke player that has ever lived. I swear, he nuts his pants every time he broadcasts a Dukie game.

February 10 Syracuse at UCONN – Whenever these teams play, it’s a battle for the ages. I can’t wait to see what they have in store for us this year, especially following their classic 6 OT game last year that is still one of the best games I’ve ever watched.

February 27 Purdue at Michigan St – One day after my birthday, I can’t wait to watch this match up that will most likely decide the winner of the Big 10 conference.


Of course these are not the only big games of the season, but they are just a few that stand out to me right now. These are pivotal match ups that will be a preview of what’s to come next March. Mark these dates on your calendar, because you don’t want to miss these games. I know I won’t.

More college basketball previews and predictions coming soon…. I can’t believe it’s finally starting!!

Asian Athletes

The Yankees just won the World Series for the 124th time (slight exaggeration), which again further humiliates my beloved Chicago Cubs since they still are looking for that elusive #1 in the past 101 years. I do not care, however, to write about this because I didn't even watch the World Series since I had absolutely nothing invested in the games, both emotionally or financially. The Yankees clearly just bought their championship, so although I do enjoy watching them blow it, I saw this one coming. The big story for me though was the big game from my main main, Hideki Matsui... World Series MVP.


I actually don't give a shit about Hideki, in particular, and I actually think he looks like he's a 52 year old man that may have seen the actual Godzilla. However, I was happy to see a fellow Asian represent. I love nothing more that Asian athletes, and yes, I may own EVERY jersey of every professional Asian player that has ever lived. Here are a few of my favorites:

Hall of Fame

Yao Ming - This is the obvious choice here... Yao may be one of the ugliest and goofiest players in the NBA, but he is undoubtedly one of the best big men in the league. Doesn't matter that his head is an exact square shape and he rocks the thin "beaner stache" on his upper lip, he just does work when his goofy ass body doesn't give out on him. I love rockin my throwback Yao jersey, cuz let's be serious, all sweet dudes love throwback jerseys. It sucks that Yao is hurt this year, but I can't wait for him to get back on the court so he can be the #1 rep for fellow Asian across the World.


Ichiro - Along with Yao, Ichiro is the class of his league. Ichiro is unbelievably consistent, guaranteed to amass 200+ hits per season and be among the top of league in OBP and Batting average. He's the type of player that managers dream of, and it just so happens he is Asian. Being Asian means Ichiro originated the "slap swing" that it seems every Asian baseball players has picked up. The only difference is, that corkscrew motion actually works for Ichiro. More about this later, but my hats off go to one of the classiest baseball players today and a soon to be hall of famer.


Manny Pacquiao - I was a little apprehensive to put Pacquiao on this list because he is Filipino, and some might believe that Filipinos are more of Latin descent than Asian. I'm sure I will have a corrective comment on this, but I don't care. In my book, Pacquio still eats rice every day and still looks Asian, therefore he is Asian. Regardless, there is no doubt that Pacquiao is pound for pound the best boxer in the sport right now and continues to show his dominance with every fight. It's even sweeter to me that in the Philipines, Pacquiao is not only the most famous athlete, but he is also a well known singer/rapper, actor, and porn star as well. Ok, just jokin on the porn star part, but that wouldn't surprise me. Is there anything this little guy can't do?!


Takeru Kobayashi - Yes, it's sad but when you're doing a list of top Asian athletes, the list is thin and I just couldn't leave this animal off my list. Competitive Eating Champion, Kobayashi held the Nathan's hot dog eating contest for god knows how many years, defeating fat asses and freaks for years on end before finally being deseeded by another freak. Kobayashi would eat hot dogs like they were chips and dip... and he patented the little wiggle to help digestion. Sick athlete, way to represent... I'd like to see him in a rice eating contest.


I didn't want to put half-Asians on this list cuz that wouldn't be fair. If I did however, the obvious standouts are Hines Ward (half Korean) of the Pittsburgh Steelers and Tiger Woods (Half Thai/Chinese) but that is obviously not fair because Tiger is also half black. That half black part of him is more athletic than all of China.

Honorable Mention: Dice-K Matsuzaka (Boston Red Sox), Chin Ming Wang (New York Yankees)

Hall of Shame

Kosuke Fukudome - There was no bigger supporter for Kosuke than me. When the Cubs signed him, I thought for sure he'd be the missing link to the world series. Man, I was wrong. I pictured a combination of Ichiro and Hideki Matsui, but instead got a mix of a poor man's Hee Sop Choi that tries to screw himself into the ground every time he swings. I still have faint hopes for Fukudome to pick it up, he did show some signs of greatness last season, but slowly I'm starting to think Fukudome doesn't even understand English because that is the only explanation as to why he just can't learn how to hit a breaking pitch. After all the hype, the only thing I got from Fukudome was a waste of $80 for his jersey.


Michelle Wie - Apparently all the best women golfers on the planet are Asian, because when the rare women's golf tournament turns up on sportscenter, the leaderboard reads as if someone threw pots and pans down the stairs and ranked them 1-10 in Asian sounding names. Number 1 is often Pak Cho Ko or Ding Dang Chang or something along those lines, but never Michelle Wie. She was dubbed a golf phenom at the age of 15, but she has never lived up to her billing. She has consistently underachieved and still makes sportscenter every once in awhile but nobody cares anymore. She was the first women to make the cut on the men's tour, but honestly this was a joke because there's no way she will ever compete with Men. Sadly for her, she's too ugly to salvage her career by being hot like other phenoms that flamed out (like Anna Kornikova, Maria Sharapova, etc.) She'll just have to settle with being ugly and sucking.... but I'm sure she is good at math.


Yi Jianlian - Dubbed the hip hop version of Yao Ming, he was drafted from China at the young age of 18. He's the prototypical big man that NBA teams love, he's a big man (7'+) with handle and can shoot. I bought a Yi Jersey the day he was drafted, and again was not happy when he was traded to the Nets because he never lived up to his billing and will most likely fade into obscurity. Doesn't matter though, cuz Yi is currently dating Asian pop star Shi Yanfei, who is hot as fuck which make sme wonder why the hell she is with Yi. Well done, sir. He's still very popular in China, for some reason I am unsure of, but I have still not worn my Yi Jersey and I'm pissed.


Honorable Mention: Hee Sop Choi (former Cub), Wang Zhi Zhi (former Dallas Maverick)

So to these people, I thank your for breaking the Asian stereotype and making it to the professional level. You proved that all Asians are not too small, too smart, and too good at math to play sports and I'm sure you still do suck at driving, but at least you're probably reaking havoc on the highway in a Bentley so who gives a shit. Keep representin and more will come.

PMS

Obviously no one cares about women's soccer, and women's sports in general... but this this story caught my attention last night and gave me a good laugh. I wasn't sure if I was watching a clip from the latest UFC match or a potential Girls Gone Wild Cat Fight... but sadly reality set in and I remembered it was a women's soccer match.

Check out this video:




I'm not gonna lie, the blonde chick that scored the goal for BYU, Carly Payne, is pretty hot. Same with the rest of the BYU players... but I can't say the same for the New Mexico girls. They are pretty butch, at best, and most likely dykes, so I'm under the impression that is the reason for that girl's nasty tactics on the field. Either that, or she just had the worst case of PMS I have seen- but I thought chicks usually took out that anger on dudes and not other chicks.

This was great entertainment and women's soccer at it's best. The only thing that could have made this better is if the girl's were naked and/or in baby oil. In all seriousness though, this dykish bitch on New Mexico needs to get congratulated for putting in some entertainment factor into an otherwise worthless sport. She'll most likely get suspended, but at least she got her 15 minutes of fame.

NBA All-Ugly Squad

These guys make the NBA difficult to watch. Congratulations, you have made my first annual NBA All-Ugly squad.

Guards

Sam Cassell - Cassell perennially tops every all-ugly team and of course, you can see why. He was instantly on my all-ugly team the instant I saw him because of his giant alien shaped head with massive five-head (instead of fore-head, get it?) and jacked up overbite. He looks like he just jumped out of the Lord of the Rings movies and started playing basketball.

Marquis Daniels - I just saw him on TV last night, and I wanted to call the NBA to report a dinosaur on the basketball court. Then I realized dinosaurs are extinct and that was in fact Marquis Daniels. Not only does he look like a velacaraptor, Daniels looks like he is high at all times. Not a great mix. If you don't like the velocaraptor comparison, perhaps you've seen the movie Predator. Yep, pick your poison.

Forwards

Charlie Villanueva- This man looks like a cro-magnon cave man. Apparently Villanueva has a disease that makes it impossible for him to have any hair on his body... which is def. nothing to make fun of... wait, what am I walking about, yes it is. That is hilarious! Dude has no eyebrows!

Dirk Nowitzki- Dude hasn't cut his hair since the last time the Clippers made the playoffs. Not to mention he always has that stupid grin on his face. I hate to pick on the dirty foreign players in the league cuz when it comes to ugliness, it's just not even fair. Other examples include Manu Ginobili, Fabricio Oberto, Luis Scola, etc.

Calvin Booth - At times last year, the Dallas Mavericks would play Booth and Nowitski on the court at the same time... that was quite the sight. Literally.

Centers - apparently the theory that the taller you are, the uglier you are holds true. These guys will not be winning any beauty pageants anytime soon.

Greg Ostertag - I used to hate this guy in the Bull's dynasty era, but at times I felt bad for hating him because I've always had my suspicion that Ostertag has downs syndrome. Not to mention, another uncanny resemblance to another movie character... Sloth from the Goonies.

Gheorghe Muresan - At times I feel bad for George. Dude is 7 foot 7 inches and every ounce of that frame is just pure ugliness. Dude looks like he got beat with the ugly stick.

Robert Swift - As if being a ginger was not enough, Swift had to grow out his hair to make himself a giant (7'1") ginger. He now sports the pony tail/mullett and has 2 full sleeves of tattoos. He's got to be the biggest freak ginger on the planet, and he wonders why he doesn't get any playing time?

Josh Boone - Dude looks like a dinosaur with braids. If Marques Daniels (mentioned above) is a Velocaraptor, then Josh Boone is the T-Rex.

Joakim Noah - Hard to believe his mother was a Swedish Model (4th in the Miss Universe Pagaent) and his father was an international Tennis superstar. Joakim resembles neither of them, and more closely resembles a prehistoric dinosaur. And seriously, what's with the hair dude? Big fan of the Bulls, but Joakim makes them difficult to watch. Use your millions of dollars to get your teeth fixed.










Chris Kaman - This was a close race with Joakim for ugliest man in the NBA, but Chris Kaman takes the cake. After researching his ugliness, I found a similar blog to this that references Kaman's cameo in an old Arnold Schwarzenagger flick The Last Action Hero. Comparison below.

Honorable mention - Google these people and you'll see why. Some might argue that they should be on my all-ugly team, but this post would have been 20 pages. Maybe next year! DJ Mbenga (Lakers), Tayshaun Prince (Pistons), Yao Ming (Rockets), Sheldon Williams (Celtics), Hasheem Thabeet (Grizzlies), Reggie Miller (Retired), Tyrone Hill (Retired), and many more!

Who would be the coach of the All-Ugly team you ask? Only one man could do the job, that would be Stan Van Gundy. I am still convinced that porn start Ron Jeremy changed his name and became a basketball coach.... the resemblance is uncanny.

Gym Culture v2

I usually think of stuff I will blog about while I'm at the gym, so this is a continuation of my first post on gym culture. Here are things that really grind my gears...

Dude shaving while naked in the locker room... is that really necessary? Put a towel on, nobody wants to see that. Same goes for the dudes that weigh themselves naked... not necessary.

Dude taking massive dumps in the locker room, how about a courtesy flush bro? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Chicks, if you think nobody is looking at your camel toe while you do the vagina machine... you know, the one that spreads your legs to work your inner thighs.... then you are wrong. Everybody looks.

Chicks that wear only sports bras... yes, men stare at your boobs. Men are pigs and think dirty thoughts.

Dudes that wear spandex muscle shirts... you do not look cool. I don't care if you are ripped, you just look like a douschebag and everyone is laughing at you. Spandex just does not belong in the gym, period.

Dudes that wear wristbands... why the hell do you wear those? Wristbands were cool in high school basketball and football cuz they made you look sweet but served absolutely no purpose. Take them off, you look like a tool.

Dude that constantly hits on chicks at the gym... she's not that into you, especially with those pit stains bro, so just give it up. You're annoying the fuck out of everybody. And you're a douschebag.

Fat chicks that wear tight clothing... I don't even know where to begin with this.

People that stink... wear some fuckin deodorant, you smell like shit, literally... poop.

Personal trainers and sales people that work at the gym... you really aren't as cool as you think you are. You just think you are cuz you work around fat people all day.

All the people that take rec basketball at the gym too serious... this is not the NBA, it's a fucking Lifetime Fitness. It's one thing to be competitive, but it's not necessary to be throwing bows and talking shit.


I notice these things on a regular basis at the gym. I try to mind my own business, but sometimes they're jsut unavoidable. If you're one of these people, I'm not your friend.

What bothers you at the gym?

Trick or Treat

Halloween is tomorrow, which means kids will be trick-or-treating all day and night. I remember the good ol days when trick or treating was sweet... free candy? Doesn't get much better than that. I remember having the scouting report on the entire neighborhood before going out... I knew exactly which houses were giving out the good stuff like King Size Candy Bars and which houses were giving out the shitty stuff like toothbrushes. My house fell into this category of shitty stuff. We were notorious for being the house that gives out fortune cookies. Yes, not very surprising that an Asian family would give fortune cookies, very funny. Either that or my mom wouldn't even bother to answer the door. Other shitty things that I was pissed to find in my pillow case were toothebrushes, floss, off brand candy (cmon you cheap fuck, pay for the real stuff), or basically anything that couldn't be eaten. I'd rather get razor blades in my 3 musketeers than get this shit.

However, the good houses always made up for the bad ones. You know what I'm talking about... I remember my favorites as a child. There was the house that gave out KING size Hershey's bars every year, the house that gave out hot dogs- yes hot dogs- out on his drive way, the house that gave hot chocolate, and of course every cool kid's favorite, the houses that would just put out buckets of candy on the doorstep. Yep, I was that kid. I didn't care when those buckets were accompanied by "honesty is the best policy signs," all that candy was going into my sack. My friends and I would take turns holding each other's pillowcases while the others dumped all the candy in... jackpot! If you didn't do this, you were only cheating yourself so don't judge. Not my fault you were naive and stupid as a child.

After hours upon hours of trick-or-treating and hitting up all the best neighborhoods, my feet would be sore as hell. I always despised those fag kids that had their parents drive them from house to house while the kids would get candy. I'm pretty sure one year we beat one of those kids up and stole his candy... that's what you get for being a mama's boy. But once my sack was full, I'd empty it all out on my floor and count out and sort all the candy I had collected. I remember sorting all the good stuff into mounds and throwing away the bad stuff. So this made me think... what is classified as the best candy? Here's my choices...

3 Musketeers- Always underrated but these are delicious... I would trade my shitty candy to friends for their 3 musketeers... dumbasses
Milky Way Midnight- I'm a huge fan of dark chocolate, which makes the Midnight one of my favorites
Reese's Fast Break- Another one of my favorite candy bars of all time.. simply delicious
Kit Kat- Who doesn't remember the old kit kat tunes... break me off a piece of that kit-kat bar.
Snickers- Always a classic, and you gotta love the patrick chewing commercial.
Twix- Whoa, I almost forgot Twix... these are fuckin awesome. The caramel mixed with the crunchy cracker... unbelievable

WORST
Candy Corn- These are fuckin gross man... if you like these then we cannot be friends
Tootsie Rolls- Nasty... I used to make a separate pile of tootsie rolls and throw them in the garbage
Smarties- Not that these tasted bad, but I always saw Smarties as the cheap Halloween candy... not to mention I'd get so pissed when the wrapper unwrapped in my bag and the pieces spilled out
Butterfinger- Was never a big fan of the crunchy orange inside.
Starburst- I think starbursts are delicious, but they are on my worst list of Halloween candies because it was always a gamble to see what colors you'd get in your 2 pack. Everyone knows pink is that best and yellow sucked dick... so I hated that gamble and losing with a yellow and an orange or worse... 2 yellows!

Of course, this is just personal opinion. However, if you don't agree with me then I hope you find a razor blade in your candy.

Stop by the Wang household this Halloween, I will be leaving out a bucket of fortune cookies. I'd like to see a kid dump an entire bucket of fortune cookies into his sack...

FUPA's

Do you remember when you were younger and sitting in class, wondering why your teacher had a bulge in her pants just beneath her waistline? Yep, that was the first time I discovered the FUPA (pronounced foo-pah).... fat upper pussy area. I find FUPA's hilarious, yet obviously disgusting. Upon my research of FUPA's... I came across this hilarious blog dedicated to FUPA hunting. Great for laughs as there are FUPA's of all kinds.

However, FUPA's should not be mistaken for FUDA's... the male version. Fat Upper Dick Area. Also, FUPA's should not be mistaken for FUBU, the overpriced brand that black people made for black people, even though suburban white kids that think they're black now buy at TJ MAXX. Again, FUPA's should not be mistaken for the fat midriff region that usually accompanies them, which I like to refer as the "muffin top" depicted below. Other names for the FUPA may be fat upper pubic area or one of my favorites, the "front butt."

FUPA's and FUDA's are hilarious for many reasons. I particularly enjoy them because I find it funny that fat people with them don't even know they have them. I mean, really? You don't notice that bulging flab that prohibits you to see your dick everyday? Also, it's funny that FUPA's make people wear their pants at a hilariously high level, up towards their belly button which accentuates the bulge beneath the waistline. This has to be for pure comedic relief, there's no way they are trying to make a fashion statement. Furthermore, FUPA's tend to make the fat bearers to waddle. No need for explanation, waddling is just hilarious. When the waddling becomes too much of a strain, they usually resort to those motorized shopping carts at the grocery store.

Also, can you imagine a man with a FUDA and a woman with a FUPA trying to have sex? Not a pleasant image I know, but one has to wonder if that is even possible. I think the laws of gravity just would not allow that, not to mention there's no way their large pubic areas would not conflict. I attempted to draw a picture of this, but I threw up a little and had to stop. You get the point though, physically not possible.

FUPA's can most commonly found at your local Wal-Mart and of course, teachers and librarians are infamous for sporting them as well. I have seen countless teacher FUPA's swallow up desks. Some famous fupas include Rosie O'Donell and the most infamous FUDA's belong to Charlie Weiss, coach of Notre Dame and Bill Parcells, NFL legend. Can you think of any others?

Classes at the Gym

So like most guys, I've been under the impression that only chicks and fags take the classes at the gym. You know, the ones that are taught by an instructor. This was until yesterday. I found out that a friend of mine's mom teaches a class, so I thought I'd give it a try. Of course, we were the only 2 dudes in the room... but I may as well have been a girl. My performance definitely looked like it. I was warned that the class would be tough, but I figured how tough could it be? I consider myself semi fit... I may not go out and run a marathon but I'm also not a fat slob... but this class kicked my ass.

I had to stop multiple times to catch my breath, all while old women were doing the excercises like it was nothing! Honestly, there was one point in the cardio portion that I was literally panting and on the verge of passing out, when I caught a glimpse of an old woman shaking her head at me like I was pathetic! By the end, my entire shirt was drenched and I was dripping sweat. I almost puked, but I'm proud to say I did not. Milk is a bad idea before workouts, trust me. Also, I'm unbelievably sore today... nothing like ever before. I work out 3 or 4 times a week and never feel like this the day after.

Bottom line, these classes are no joke and not just for chicks. Classes are tuesdays and thursdays and I plan on goin back... so stay tuned.

CO's sold?

From my always reliable Champaign source, aka Rudy, rumors are swirling that CO's was recently sold. Although I can not confirm this and there is no news about this on the internet, I believe it is true. Yes, it is true that some idiot bought that sespool in hopes they can turn it into a legit bar. This made me think, can this actually be done?

Yes, I do believe that CO's could become a legit bar if run properly instead of by a fat redneck hick who obsessed over UofI athletes and a creepy fat black man that will soon to be bankrupt. So what would the new owner have to do to make this place legit?

Sorry to say, but it's gonna take a little more than putting in worthless new floor and installing a "player's club" to make this place legit. Seriously, did they really think that was gonna save the place? No wonder they shut it down. Here's a couple things that were overlooked that inevitably lead to the demise of the greatest place on Earth...

Sure, let all the managers and the GM be students... that sounds like a brilliant business plan. You might as well let children run a candy store, cuz essentially that's what it was last year. Not a single person went to CO's and didn't get free drinks at one point or another during the year. Even people I didn't know were expecting free drinks.... 8 vodka water limes? That's $24.... you know who? Ok then $8... wait what? Fine $4... fuck it just take them. There were countless nights that I'd go out with $10 and come home with $14. Oh the manager has his entire house out tonight... free drinks for ALL of them?! Fine, but as long as they drop a dollar for tip. Again, sounds like a brilliant business plan. It's busy, just make your own drinks for you and your friends? Sounds good, now everybody in the bar is your best friend. CO's is the only place on earth that can be jam packed to the point where you can barely move, yet make negative money for the night. It's ok, we can make up for it in cover. Hey buddy, that's $5... oh you work here? And you want to get your friends in? Sure, just x off on the sheet. After the entire Acacia house files in, that's when you put the two x's by your name. Thanks man.

I know how to attract customers, let's have retarded raffles. Honestly, they never realized that whether they paid a bunch of money to raffle a scooter or an Ipod or whatever it was... no new customers would come. It would just be the same kids in the bar, but the only difference was that one of them was going home with an Ipod that night. Most likely, it was me or one of my friends. We must have been the luckiest people on Earth.

Or how about the leaking roof that dripped rain water into my ice bin throughout the night and inevitably into your drinks. Yep, how's those whiskey cokes and rain water taste? Trust me, customers did not appreciate standing in the bar and getting dripped on... not exactly my ideal night. Even worse, that puddle you're standing in... that's not rainwater. Yep, my friend just peed on you. Typical night.

Then there's bomb night... I remember when Wednesday night's at CO's were the shit my freshman year. I thought ICE Bombs were the greatest things on earth... man I was gay. However, I'm not sure how it happened but Wednesday's became ghettoer and ghettoer, soon resembling the scene from a Snoop Dogg rap video. You know what I mean... Champaign natives would plan weeks in advance to make it rain in CO's... cool man. Who thought was a good idea to allow black men to take off their shirts and drink bottles of J. Roget... seriously I want to know who's business plan this was. Brilliant. Here's a typical conversation I'd get on a bomb night...

Black chick: Yo let me get one of those blue dranks!

Me: Ok, that's gonna be $4.

Black chick: Damn boy, for 4 dollas you better put less ice in those cups for me.

Me: Um, just because I put less ice doesn't mean I'm gonna put more alcohol. You're just gonna have a warm ice bomb.

Black chick (thinking she is sly): Whatever, no ice! And split that drank into 2 cups! And don't forget my dolla change!

God, I miss those nights.

I got it, let's treat the athletes like kings. Doesn't matter that you guys only won 5 games last year... they're athletes! Everything on the house! Who are you? Oh, you ride the bench for the basketball team? Sure, drinks on me. Oh shiiiiiitt.... this is my jam! As a bartender, that was my cue to duck in cover. This usually happened multiple times througout the night, to the likes of Petey Pablo, Young Jeezy, or that song "I put on for my money." I'm still surprised that no one was ever shot. This is the business model for turning CO's bomb night, what used to be CO's most lucrative night, into the worst revenue generating nights as well as the #1 place for police patrol. Congrats.

The list of downfalls to that place go on and on, but these were the main pitfalls for the collapse of CO Daniels- a beloved place to all o fus that is surely missed. Good luck to the new owner!

Friday Night Lights

I know I blog about TV a lot, but that's because I watch so much of it. I have a long list of TV shows that I have to watch every week... and this week is the start of another one of my favorites. Friday Night Lights premieres this Wednesday on Channel 101 of Direct TV at 8 pm central time. For as much as I hate Direct TV, this is one time that I am very happy to have it.

If you haven't seen this show yet, which judging from the Nielson ratings that almost got the show cancelled you have not, then it's seriously time to start. Friday Night Lights is honestly one of the best shows on TV not named Entourage or Weeds. It's classified as a family drama, which obviously is not one of my prototypical genres that I like to watch, but this show is nothing less than entertaining and defies what any "family genre" I have ever seen before. It has something for everybody- football, sex, partying, boozing, and relationship drama- you won't be dissapointed.

From a FNL enthusiast website: The concept for the Friday Nights Lights TV show comes from the book by H G Bissinger and the successful movie that followed, one of my favorite Sports movies to date. Anyone who has experienced playing varsity high school football first hand can relate to the events which take place over a season; over a year. It's not just the double-day practices during summer, weight lifting year round, practice after school, and games on Friday nights; the community, faulty, student body that make a football season what it is. Friday Night Lights TV goes deeper, introducing the relationships, families, and everyday lives when these players are not under the lights.

The show is entering it's 4th season, and I'm expecting great things. It was nearly cancelled during the writer's strike, but protest from fans brought the show back and now Direct TV has exclusive rights to air the new episodes and then they will be replayed on NBC in the spring. Gay, I know, but I recommend watching old and new episodes of FNL at sidereel.com.

A quick recap from season 1 and a look at the great cast of FNL... The fictional town of Dillon, Texas is the setting for FNL. Like most small towns in Texas, football is god-- the peoples focus centers on the young men of the local high school football team. The Dillon Panthers are coached by head-coach Eric Taylor. The team is full of talent and ranked number one in Texas. Jason Street is the starting quarterback equipped with a canon arm and good looks. Universities see him as one of the best prep players ever and is highly recruited going into the season. His girlfriend Lyla Garrity (Minka Kelly- Derek jeter's gf) is the beautiful head cheerleader with personality to match. Brian Williams, also known as "Smash", is the star running back overflowing with confidence and attitude. Tim Riggins gives Brian competition at running back. Unlike the flashy Smash, Tim is a hard-nose, "run them over" type of guy. Football and Texas are Tim's life. Whether drinking beer or in the huddle with the boys, Tim shows himself as a leader, and an intimidating person most respect. At backup quarterback is Matt Saracen. Matt comes across as a nice guy who receives little attention being in the shadow of Street. Landry Clarke is Matt's best friend. Landry doesn't play on the football team but remains connected through Matt. Bringing heat and drama is Tyra Collette, a sexy vixen with a history! Unlike most in Dillon, Tyra looks beyond the lights, beyond Texas, for her future. Two people not on the football team but feel the same community pressure are Tami and Julie Taylor, the wife and daughter of Coach Taylor. Tami supports Eric, attending every game and understanding of time for Eric's devotion to the team. Julie shows no interest in jocks, especially football players. She's a good student and also has a "snippy" attitude. [synoposis borrowed from the same FNL website mentioned above]

Seriously, take my word for it and watch this show.

Halloween Sluts

It's a few days till Halloween, and even though I am not a huge fan of it... there's always one thing about Halloween that makes me happy. For some reason, girls of all ages think that Halloween means "dress like a slut" day. This trend is getting more ridiculous every year as more and more girls think this is ok.

Since when did girls find the need to put "sexy" in front of every costume for Halloween? I'm sure you've seen it... Sexy Nurse, Sexy Teacher, Sexy Pirate, Sexy Bumblebee, Sexy Policewoman, Sexy Angel, Sexy Kitten, and the list goes on and on. I mean, seriously, the last time I checked all these things were not sexy. Sure, I may have had some hot teachers here and there... but how the hell can a bumblebee be sexy?! You put on some yellow underwear and a black bra and some antennaes and call yourself a bee? That's just ridiculous and you look like an idiot. Or you put on an eyepatch and a cut up tank top and underwear and call yourself a sexy pirate... umm sorry last time I check Jack Sparrow didn't look like that... and the other pirates would have surely raped you first, congratulations. Or you put on black lingerie and paint on some whiskers to be a sexy kitten... um there is nothing sexy about cats so unless you're gonna lick your crotch, then you also look like an idiot.

Now even the Disney characters have gone slutty... did Disney recently come out with a porn that I missed? Cuz apparently sexy Disney costumes are the biggest craze these days. Apparently Cinderella was a closet slut and Snow White was banging all the dwarfs, cuz that's they way these costumes portray them. I must have missed that part... aparrently Bashful wasn't so shy afterall.

When I was younger, I was the cat in the hat, a ninja, a commando, buzz lightgear, and other chracters that normal kids dress up as, but now guys feel like the biggest jackasses if they showed up to a party dressed as Buzz Lightgear and all the girls are wearing "sexy" costumes. Yea, guess who's not hooking up that night? You. Loser.

Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girl's said, “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” Umm... last time I checked, girls dress like sluts all the time. Halloween is just another reason to look slutty AND ridiculous. As much as I enjoy the eye candy, sexy outfits are a Halloween cliche that's getting out of hand. I can't wait to see what girls can conjur up this year... my suggestion: sexy transformer.

Picks of the Week 10/24

Georgia Tech -5.5 at Virginia WIN
Kansas St. -4.5 vs. Colorado WIN
N. Illinois -10.5 at Miami (OH) LOSS
Penn St. -4.5 at Michigan WIN
Iowa +1.5 at Michigan St. WIN

NFL
NE -14.5 at Tampa Bay WIN
San Diego -5.5 at KC WIN
Philly -7 at Washington WIN

Upset Pick of the Week
Idaho +15 at Nevada LOSS

7-2 thanks to a last second hail mary from Miami (OH)... seriously why would they throw a hail mary when they were down by 11?! Should have been 8-1. Much better than last week.

Retro Fads

I’m the type of person that likes to follow trends, so if anything is “in” at the time, then I gotta have it. Blackberry? Check. Northface? Check. Mac? Check. You get the point.

I saw somebody wearing a pull over jacket today, which made me think of all the retro fads out there that were all the craze while I was growing up. If you didn’t have any of these in the 90’s, then you obviously weren’t cool. I had them all… which made me the shit.

Starter Pull Over Jackets- Who didn’t have a Starter pullover jacket while growing up? Not only exclusive to one gender, boys and girls alike were all sporting these awesome jackets circa 1993. These things were so throwback, every kid had to have one regardless the team. Everybody knew the team didn’t matter, but just the fact you had one and the brighter the colors, the better. I remember the day I walked to my bus stop sporting my new Charlotte Hornets pullover, I felt like the shit. That was until the other fag kid at my stop walked up with a Miami Dolphins one, I was pissed. I wanted to ask him who the fuck he thought he was… Mine was obviously cooler. That’s beside the point though… do you guys remember all the cool shit you could hide in those middle pouches? Those things could hold some much stuff! If I still had one today, I’d bring all my work necessities in my pouch. Pens? In the pouch. Book? In the pouch. Lunch? Oh yea, in the pouch. Bottom line… these jackets were the shit. Do you remember what team you had?

JNCO Jeans- When I was in 7th grade, all the craze was about the wide legged JNCO jeans. If you wanted to be cool and have girls like you, you had to have them. In fact, the wider the legs, the cooler the person. Trust me, I was always the coolest, no doubt. I remember begging my mom to buy me a pair… and at this time JNCO’s were not cheap by any means. We would go shopping and they were all I wanted... thinking back on it, if I were my mom I would have slapped the shit out of me and told me I was an idiot for wanting to have such ridiculous jeans. I didn’t know any better though… remember how big the back pockets were? What was the point for those any way? Or how people used to cut and fray the bottoms to make them even cooler? Oh yea, that was me. Then there were the kids whose parents wouldn’t spring the dough for real JNCO jeans and get the Lee Pipes instead. I used to laugh at those kids and make fun of them. Even worse, there were the PACO jeans, or as I like to think of them… the Mexican ripoff of JNCO. I made fun of these kids even more, cuz their jeans were named after a Mexican. These imitations weren’t nearly as wide as my JNCO’s, which meant they weren’t as cool as me. Again, if you didn’t wear JNCO’s, you were a loser.

K2 Skates- Along the same time as the JNCO fad, K2 skates were big when I was in 6th grade. Skating was the shit back then, and it didn’t matter if you sucked or not as long as you had the sickest skates. There were so many to choose from, the K2 Fatties, K2 Chocolates, K2 Varsities, etc. They even had those grind panels in the middle to make grinding easier! Sadly to say, I never had a pair of K2 skates cuz they were so expensive, but I was so jealous of my friends that did. I remember sitting at my friend Pat’s house while they waxed up the metal pole and tried and failed at tricks. It didn’t matter that the coolest trick they could do was a 2 second grind, they were the shit cuz they had K2’s.

POGS- Easily the dumbest fad on this list, these cardboard milk tops were HUGE back in the day. To this day, I still don’t know what the point of them was, but the actual game had to have been the lamest and most pointless game ever thought of… but you had to collect them all! I had over 500 POGS… what the fuck was I thinking?! Not to mention, you had to have the biggest and most bad ass Slammer as well, you know, the metal pieces that you used to slam the POGS and “win” your opponents. I remember mine, the 8 ball… so sick. The only 8 ball I’ve heard of these days don’t deal with pogs… I remember going to the mall and going to the POGs stand and spending ridiculous money. There were certain ones that cost like 20 bucks apiece… for a piece of cardboard with a picture on top! Some slammers cost like $50, too. Ridiculous. Here’s a website all about POGS that I found, but don’t waste your time.



DYNOs- These bikes were the shit back in the day… again, only the coolest kids had them. I didn’t only ride a DYNO, I had the DYNO GT. Siiiiick. I had pegs and all. These were the ultimate trick bikes, but the only thing was… I didn’t do tricks on them. I just had one cuz all the cool kids had them… and obviously I was cool. The losers had the imitation Haro’s… sorry Tim… but everyone knew those were 2nd class compared to the DYNOs. I’m pretty sure these bikes are still around and I may have seen kids riding them in college… not bad idea to be pegging girls home.

Slap Bracelets- These things were gay, but I just had to mention them because they were most certainly a fad. You know, the stupid elastic bands that would swivel up when you hit them on your wrist. Yea, I used to hate it when girls would come up to me and hit me with a cheetah print swatch watch or something gay like that… I’d want to punch them in the face. If you had one of these, which I know you did but will probably lie about it and say you didn’t, you were a loser.

Beanie Babies- Dumbest fad ever that overtook the entire world… seriously. Boys, girls, moms, grandparents, whoever had to have all the beanie babies. I remember they were $5 a pop at the stores in the mall, but you better believe that when the newest beanie baby came out, they’d be sold out. I had a shit load of beanie babies, and what did I do with them? Nothing. They sat on my shelf as a display before I threw them into a box and gave them to good will. Biggest waste of money ever! There was a point when beanie babies were worth a shit ton of money… oh yea, I had the Tabasco bull one, what’s up… but once that bubble popped, they just became worthless. It didn’t matter that you had the rarest of the beanie babies, that just meant you were the biggest retard… congratulations.



Collecting Cards- Children all over the world are still collecting cards, whether it’s baseball, basketball, football, pokemon, Yu-gi-oh, or whatever, one thing will hold true… it’s a waste of time and money. It’s one thing to have vintage Mickey Mantle cards, fine that’s legit I guess, but it’s another to have books of cards like I do that have absolute no value. I have so many basketball cards that I could fill an entire closet… Some of the books I have are alphabetically sorted by last name… man I was a loser. Some of my cards are in plastic encasing to keep them in mint condition… but too bad mint condition just means still worthless. I’m not sure if there are still card enthusiasts out there that put value to cards, but I’m pretty sure they will never be as big as they used to be when I was younger. I would go to card shows at the mall and admire all the cards on display, and whenever I got my allowance, I’d buy packs of cards. Just another waste of money for a stupid fad…

Worst Facial Hair

If you have seen me recently, you know that I have been growing out my facial hair- a mustache and goatee - for laughs. The main reason for this is because I left my razor in Pete's car and have been too lazy to get it, but it's also for curiousity of what I would look like with facial hair. Everyone knows that very few Asians can grow facial hair, and I have learned that I am no exception to that rule.

It has only been a week, but recent remarks from my sister have convinced me that my prized facial hair had to go. She told me it looked like I had pubic hair on my upper lip and chin, and it made me look like a creep. After closely examining it, she was right.

I was starting to get looks from coworkers, friends while out to lunch, and randoms on the elevator. There were uncomfortable moments where I knew they were looking at my mustache thinking, "is this guy serious with that?" which made me explain myself very often. Sorry to say, but I did not get to take any pictures with my mustache and goatee, but anyone that saw me can tell you how nasty it was.

This made me think of all the worst facial hairs of all time. Here's my top 10...

10. Bobby Jenks - He thought this outrageous goatee of his would make him look slimmer, but let's be serious... it just made him look like a gay fat man.


9. Scott Spiezio - As if "the flavor saver" was not enough, Spiezio thought it was a good idea to dye it red. He is a known alchoholic, so my only inclination is that he was hammered when he did this and thought it actualyl looked good. It didn't.

8. Hulk Hogan/Rod Beck - This was a tie because they both rocked the'handlebar" mustache to the extreme. The craftmanship on these beards were flawless. I think Hulk Hogan takes the cake though for having the 2 tone black and white handlebar... Beck just kept it classy. If I didn't know any better, I'd think these mustaches were a joke, but nope... these guys thought it made them cool. Again, it didn't.

7. Jake Plummer/Jason Giambi - Again, a tie for this spot because they both sport the "child molestor mustache" as I like to call it, because well, the name says it all... these mustaches unable these men to go within 100 ft of an elementary schools and make mother's tremble. Are they serious with these mustaches? It looks like you drank shit and left some on your upper lip... Can somebody say Amber Alert?

6. Bill Walton - Many hippies sport beards because they "just don't care." Bill Walton takes the cake for me because he really was a hippie, as he widely proclaims to being a Grateful Dead enthusiast back in the day. That doesn't give him an excuse for not showering or having any personal hygiene while in the NBA, no wonder why he was so good- cuz nobody wanted to guard him.

5. Ricky Williams - At first glance, I thought this was a picture of a bum. Then I saw the jersey and realized, wow that is Ricky Williams, former heisman trophy winner. Ricky's career took a dump after he was traded from the New Orleans Saints- literally since looks like he lived in a dumpster. He gained weight and was suspended multiple times from the league for smoking pot and apparently from these photos he became a bum. If I saw this guy I would give him my change...

4. Scot Pollard - King of freaks, he was an NBA journeyman that played all over the league. Sadly, he was better known for his crazy hair styles than his play. As if the mohawk wasn't enough, he added the freak goatee. Are those rubberbands?

3. Drew Gooden - As a Bulls fan, I had to ask myself "what the fuck is with Gooden's beard?" He had to have lost some kind of bet, because no person can actually look in the mirror and think "damn, I look good" with that thing. It looks like somebody played a joke on him when he fell asleep. Gooden was benched and traded for his facial hair, not for his play.

2. Adam Morrison - Seriously, if I didn't shave for another month or 2, this would have been what my facial hair would have looked like. Many people describe it as the "beaner stache." No offense to my latino friends of course. It is much like the child molestor mustache, but less filled in and thus ratty looking. It's usually sported by novice facial hair growers (like myself) and in this case, Morrison clearly can't grow a full beard so he settles for this. Wow.

1. Kyle Orton - Cmon, you had to have known this was coming after my last post. As if the beard wasn't bad enough, Orton invented the "neck beard." This is most often displayed by alchoholics and Kyle Orton, himself.